Daddy Issues - Johnnyboy

9 - Pain Changes People

I wanted nothing more than to just get drunk and never feel this way again, I could slice every inch of my body to satisfy my need to be punished, but at the same time, I'm so sick of feeling this pain. I've been through different kinds, I went through the worst physical pain I've ever felt when I got jumped by the Socs, and when I was beaten by my mother, and the more I thought about her, the more I wanted to hurt. I just kept replaying the memories in my head, wishing I could've warned myself of this destruction, of all this fucking fog that was going to be in my head.

I had to leave the room for a second, so I excused myself to the bathroom without sounding any differently than I usually would, nobody minded, but I swear I could see Two-Bit glance at me weirdly in the corner of my eye, so I turned and smiled at him. He returned the gesture with one of his goofy grins. Two-bit had always seemed to cheer everyone up.

I closed the door carefully, careful to twist the knob closing it, making sure it didn't slam. Just don't want the attention of anyone right now. I turned towards the drawers under the sink and pulled the razor from it, eyeing it carefully before lifting my sleeves. I set it down before unwrapping the bandage, I held the blade firmly, pressing down hard against my wrist, emitting a breath from me, my heart was racing as I continued. I did it fast, making sure the pain had come suddenly, it was shallow when I focused too much on it. It was like a shock of relief not knowing when it was coming, so I usually just closed my eyes. It felt like a rush of adrenaline hit me and before I could even register the blood dripping onto the floor, the door had opened.

"Oh my god-" Two-bit's face contorted in horror as he looked at my arms, almost like he was about ready to yell for help. For some reason, I couldn't stop the tears from running down my face as I pulled him into the bathroom. I closed the door and shoved him into it, my wrist bleeding heavily.

*

"Don't you tell anyone about this, you hear me?" I tried to keep my voice commanding but it only ended up sounding pathetic. He shrunk against my hold on him, and once I let go, he grabbed my wrist tightly, turning the sink on to run it underwater.

"Look, I'm sorry . . . I didn't want you to see this." I sighed deeply, but he just shook his head. 

"That's why you're sorry?" I furrowed my brows as he took the bandages off of the sink and started to wrap my arm. I almost wanted to stop him, I wanted to tell him that I wasn't finished yet, that I had only just begun but he just wrapped them up and put the metal clasp on the ends. He then pulled my sleeve down silently, his eyes a dull grey in this lighting, filled with the concern that I dreaded seeing. He didn't say anything but just pulled me into a tight hug.

I threw my hands around him and he just held me there, I could see in the mirror that his eyes seemed scared, I knew he didn't know what to say or do about it, and that's the hard truth people can't swallow, there is no saving me. There is nothing you can do when someone doesn't want to be saved. It's easier to let go of the chaos than survive it. But of course, to Two-Bit I was like the baby brother he never had, so I know this is coming as a shock to him, and I didn't want to hurt him, I didn't want to hurt anybody, I just wanted to be alone, in this and in everything. I didn't care how I would, I just had to get out, if anybody found out, they'd treat me even more of a baby than they already do. I wish I could tell him that.

"I won't tell 'em, Johnny. Only if you promise to not do it again," My eyes scrunched in frustration. This was a tactic that could ruin relationships, and I knew he was gonna make me promise him. But I couldn't promise anyone anything, or else they'd get hurt in the long run. So I crossed my fingers behind his back and nodded in his chest. He sighed, and let go. He left the bathroom silently, and I knew right then at this moment that I couldn't stay here.

I looked towards the small window above the toilet and opened it, looking down. I was on the second floor but, it didn't look that hard of a jump. I climbed through and stood on the ledge, the dried out old bricks on the side helped me climb down instead of full-on jump. When I landed, I didn't think it would hurt as much, but a shot of painful singes ran up and down my legs, I hissed and tried to stay down. There was another window that had shown the living room, so I was careful not to pass that one.

I looked at my old house across the street and gulped. My mom wasn't there, I knew. There was a shack in the backyard filled with tools, I could dig everything back up if I wanted. And I did want it, I needed to leave. I know that sounds cowardly, but I don't really trust that Two-Bit can ever keep that moment a secret. So, I ran through the yard and jumped the gate, trying to be as quiet as possible. It was still dawn, the sunrise coming up fast. I guess we all had awoken pretty damn early. Too early to function. I looked towards my house again, and my mom's car wasn't parked in the driveway. Why were her things from the garage gone? I couldn't know now, but out of sheer impulse, I ran to the shack, opening the door, cringing at the sound of it screeching. I grabbed the nearest tool in there, which was a shovel. I threw it to the ground, probably making a lot of unnecessary noise, but I didn't care.