A

Hairspray

2/25/2017

Dad wants me to have a voice lesson, again. I don't why, I can't explain, why I'm crying. There's no one I could talk to. If they just understand all this. If I just understand all this.

Help me understand it. I don't want to have a voice lesson. Whenever I have to sing in front of people, my voice fades away. It only comes back when I return to my room.

It fades again when I leave. My voice, I can say it is high, higher than the mountains, though I wouldn't say higher than Ariana Grande. It gets low even when I'm just talking upfront.

Intelligence?? Everyone has that. Talents? Everyone. Family that supports you? Everyone. People that judges you. Everyone has that too. Looks? Not. Confidence? Not so sure about that. Is that it? Is that what I'm lacking? Even though my friends say that I'm beautiful, smart, talented -- I'm still not confident? Even if you pay me a sack full of cash. I still won't have it. How do you have that? Where can you have that? That word confidence. What does that mean? Is it to be real? Is it to be someone else? What? Of course, no one could tell me, I'm an idiot talking to this computer screen, hiding my thoughts in it. Doesn't talk to anybody, scared of their own point of view. I'm a coward I'd say. I'm like a hairspray waiting to be pushed down, and let everything out. Spraying the people, and they'd be sticky and frozen because of my sudden confessions. They will be like; 

"So that is the true you?" 

"You're a crybaby!" 

"You're such a disappointment" 

"You're embarrassing!" 

I'm right, right? Right.

I remember performing onstage when I was still in elementary, dancing. Yes, before, singing was not for me. I was in a group that doesn't have a name. Well, back then, in a public school, it was cool, if you're in a dance troupe, which was perfect because I liked dancing. We used to perform every week after our flag ceremony ends, for entertainment. It depends on the theme, if it was August, we would perform dancing celebrating Buwan ng Wika. Anyway, in that time, I felt the enjoyment of performing; I had no other feelings than joy. I was not nervous or shy. That time, I felt confident. I was confident; I didn't not have any problems such as, nervousness, shyness, forgetting the steps, or what others would think. I just had fun. I don't know what happened. Right now, every time I'm on stage, I stutter whenever I speak, I'm nervous that I would cry in front of people, it's really, really humiliating.

I realized it all started when I was in 7th grade. I was transferred to a private school, a different environment. There, we have to speak in English all the time; I was good in English, which then again, made me feel confident. I spoke in English all the time, and then a student came up to me and said "You don't have to speak in English" with an irritated face.

I was shocked because I thought it was part of the rules; to speak in English. Then I spoke in vernacular, but then teachers start to tell me to speak in English. I was so confused.

Let's just say my confidence is like bread, I've been feeding myself bread, which means I've been using up my confidence, and the people around me are birds, hungry birds. The first bird who came up to me earlier took only a little of my bread.  I was not hungry and have been saving up the bread.

Times past, suddenly people were bullying me, I cried a lot, that's when I started being a crybaby. Are all private schools like this? I want to know. I always went to the bathroom to have a silent cry, then the older students would comfort me, and give some advice. There's only a quarter left on my bread, the hungry birds ate them. There's an advice an older student gave me, that was stuck on my head until now, "Have confidence". I appreciate her comforting me, reminding me that those bullies are just insecure, and I know I'm supposed to be relieved that someone is supporting me, but it got me thinking, "Have confidence" What does that mean? I'll tell you what it means. It means I already lost my confidence. It vanished, disappeared just like that.

I didn't know students could be a great magician, right. I was wrong, there's not a quarter of my bread left, there's none left, and the birds took it all. If I'm a hairspray, they should be a bug spray that cannot be opened.

So now you know where this nervousness came from, where it all started. Protecting it is hard enough, how much more on gaining it. Confidence is something that is already within you. Hold on to it, like a tarsier holding on to a tree. That tree, make it grow, show and share it to everyone. Don't be like me.