The Mirror

I carried on staring. What was so fascinating about it, I don't know, but I just couldn't draw my eyes away from the mirror. It wasn't beautifully carved, just a simple piece of glass framed by brown wood, the colour of the autumn leaves when they fall from their trees.  

I don't know how long I'd been staring at the dust covered object in front of me; I couldn't remember anything, not even my own name. I was obsessed, a cat staring longingly at a goldfish it cannot get, just slightly out of my reach. There was a thick layer of dust accumulating on the mirror, probably ridden with dust mites, longing to be wiped away, but I had no desire to remove it. I could not move a muscle.  

A flicker of movement. I was tempted to look away, to see the source of the movement. Nothing had been to this place for decades. Nothing. But my brain was frozen and wouldn't allow me to turn. It was transfixed by the mirror, after all this time, all these years, and I still can't look away.  

Struggling with myself, I urged myself to look away, but my mind refused to obey, as if it had a mind of its own. A mind within a mind. I'd been sitting here for - how long? One minute? Forty years? This was the question nagging at my mind lately. I was convinced that if I could answer this one question, I would unlock my past, and I would finally be able to move away. 

My thoughts were interrupted by a high pitched whistle echoing off the walls. I paused, momentarily forgetting about the mirror. That sweet sound was familiar. What on earth was that wonderful sound? There it was again. And again. For the first time in my memory, the mirror was not on my mind. I thought... maybe now I know what that sound is. Yes, my mind drifted to a far away place. Could it be, after all this time, all this waiting, my past would finally be unlocked? 

"A sunny day. The blue sky was clear, except for a few gulls and wispy clouds, which only added to the breathtaking beauty. I ran across the deserted beach, the fine Australian sand clinging to my feet, shrieking with laughter as a young but older girl" - my sister? - "chased me into the salty sea. I turned, and was overcome with fresh peals of laughter as the pretty girl screamed in mock frustration at my escape. I swam agilely to the shore and gave the girl a loving hug. She scooped my tiny body into her arms, and I could feel the love radiating off her like the heat from the morning sun. She pointed at a small, pretty brown bird perched on a tree, emitting a high pitched whistle. "You see that, Alex?"" 

Alex. Yes, now it came back to me, that was my name. Alex.  

""You see that, Alex? That's a sparrow. Mommy always used to keep them, and you, you little monster, you used to scream every time they came near you" she explained, smiling down at me. Her eyes were a deep blue, and radiated such powerful love that it blew my mind away. I yawned, pretending that I hadn't noticed the overwhelming love that her eyes emitted. 

"Katie." I whispered. "Katie, can we go home? I'm tired." 

"Okay sweetie, but we have to be very quiet, okay? Mommy and Daddy are asleep, and we can't wake them up."" 

So I had a sister. A beautiful older sister with a beautiful name, Katie. Was she still alive? And what about the parents she had spoken of? And I was almost sure that the beautiful sound was the tweet of a sparrow. It had disappeared now, leaving me - once again - alone, captivated by the mirror.  

The discovery of some of my past was helping me to resist the mirror's charms more and more, but not completely. I could now turn my head away slightly, but only as long as my eyes were on the mirror. I gazed defiantly at the mirror, promising that one day, I would walk away, victorious. An old person with wrinkly skin like an elephant and brilliant white hair stared back at me. I wiped the mirror clean. At first, I thought nothing of this tiny action, but suddenly I realised what was so strange; I hadn't moved for a long time. I looked back at the mirror, peering curiously this time at the old man in the mirror. Could that possibly be me? It couldn't be. But then, who else could it possibly be? There was nobody else here. The image of an old person triggered another buried memory that leaped into my mind, eager to be seen once again.  

"I was jerked out of my deep slumber by a deafening knock on my door.  

"Alex!" my mother yelled. "Alex, you get out of bed right now young man. You'll be late for school, AGAIN, and Katie can't keep going late because of you; she has her exams in a few months, she needs the revision, God knows she can't do it at home with you screaming yer flamin' head off all the time. Get your lazy backside out of that bed NOW‼!" I groaned, and yelled  

"Yeah yeah whatever, what's so important about her exams? Why does everythin' always have to be about that cow? Can't you understand, I'm tired, I need my sleep?"  

"Don't you dare talk about your sister like that, you ungrateful bastard, or don't you remember when you were younger? You are so lucky to have had a sister like her. She doesn't deserve all this bull from you! And don't try saying we don't care about you, of course we do!" 

"Whatever mom, just piss off and leave me alone. I'm gonna be late home today, I'm going back to Alexa's after school, and tell Dad that if I don't come back, it's your fault!" 

My mom sighed, and I could tell she wasn't happy. But hey! - I had to see my girlfriend sometime! And they were always nagging me. Katie always got all the attention. What was so special about her? I was their child as well; I deserved as much love as she did, maybe even more since I was the youngest. I didn't notice my mom sit in front of the mirror and cry, just as she always did when I upset her, too immersed in my own thoughts."" 

"I got home from school at around half ten, grinning like an idiot at the thought of the fun I had just had with Alexa. I knew Mom would be angry at me, because I had left my phone at home, but at least she couldn't disturb my time with Alexa. I walked onto the porch when my father ran out shouting at me. He delivered a powerful slap to my face with hands of steel, and yelled. 

"Where the fuck have you been, you little brat! And you didn't take your phone with you either! I was so worried about you!" I could see tears in his eyes, and he turned away from me, sobbing uncontrollably. Something was obviously not right. 

Katie came out of the house, weeping, and my suspicions were confirmed; now I knew it wasn't just some little thing that had set Dad off. I knew something terrible had happened, something big, but what it was, I couldn't quite say. I looked around, wondering where Mom was, why Mom hadn't come out as well, and looked back at Dad and Katie's faces; they had only ever looked like this once before, when Uncle Jack had died. And in that moment, I knew. I just knew.  

"Where's Mom?" I asked, looking at Katie, my voice cracking even before the words had left my mouth. I already knew what the answer would be. 

"Alex," Katie whispered, tears streaming down her face. "Alex, I'm so sorry. You didn't have your phone on you; there was no way we could have told you. Mom - Mom's had a heart attack. Oh, sweetie, she - she's gone. She said to tell you she'll always love you." I was stunned. I couldn't think. I couldn't breathe. Tears flooded my eyes. Mom couldn't be gone. She couldn't, just couldn't. I hadn't even had a chance to say goodbye. I remembered the last words I had ever said to her. The threat that I wouldn't come back. The fact I'd blamed her. She had probably died angry at me, and I remembered all the pain I had put her through over the years. And I would never see her again, never have a chance to say sorry for all the things I had done, never feel her loving hug again. She wasn't coming back."

Is that what I was doing? Emulating my mother, who I now remembered was called Caitlyn, because I felt guilty for all the times I ever hurt her, because I had never had a chance to say goodbye? I whispered, with tears filling my eyes "Goodbye Mom. Goodbye and thank you. I love you". Slowly, I rose to my feet and turned around, and I left the place a new man.