Dualism

    "Hey do you think the blue has gotten any lighter?" Noah says, pointing at his right eye, which is a shade of glacier blue, "because I saw a picture of myself from two years ago and I could have sworn that it's gotten lighter."
His friend Mia looks closely at his face scrutinizingly. "I...I think it has," she finally says. "You know I think as we've grown up my soulmate's eyes have only gotten darker," she says, pointing at her right eye, which is a slightly darker brown than her left eye, "you're lucky."
Upon seeing the look on his face she amends her statement, "in that regard."
They sit on the couch in Noah's basement, Mia's legs over Noah's, the tv on, and biology homework being pointedly ignored. "How are they doing?" she asks, "you said they've been down for a while now."
Noah sighs and tries to sift through the muddled emotions without closing his eye. His soulmate's feelings are rooted somewhere behind his ribcage while his own live within. He's not very successful at finding the line between them though and lays a hand over his left eye.
Suddenly his own pleasant emotions are replaced in full by his SM's, emptiness and worry cascading through him in a swell of anticlimactic enormity. "The same," he says, "I just, I wish I could do something. They used to be so bright."
"I know, I'm sorry," Mia says, leaving it at that as she takes the hand covering his brown eye into her own. Noah gives her a small smile and allows his own calm emotions to flood back into his hollow chest. 
Mia's SM has always been happy and cheerful. They stress together about finals and are total romantics on valentine's day. Noah on the other hand has had to feel his soulmate spiral into a depression over the past year.
They used to be the most curious person, full of wonder and excitement. For years, on the same day during the summer, they would get so excited that Noah couldn't contain it as he sat alone at home. Then for the next two weeks it would be a hurricane of excited emotions before dulling for a couple days then brightening back up.
Like clockwork this happened every year on the same day until things started going black. It all started at around the start of school last year.
They both were starting freshmen year, soulmates are always the same age, and the excitement and nervousness was evident in both of them. The first week went fine. The second week not so much.
On that Wednesday there had been a sharp stab of remorse but Noah hadn't thought anything of it. Then occasional bursts of annoyance and regret started occurring, leading to fear and recurring remorse. This evolved throughout the school year and the fateful day of the summer was met with dread.
That two weeks had been filled with anxiety and worry, only occasional bursts of happiness able to get through. Twice it sent Noah into a panic attack of his own.
"Do you really think that kids would skip school like that if they were in the real world?" Mia asks, looking at the tv. Her words pull him out of the daze he had slipped off to and back to the present.
"They didn't eat again," Noah mentions offhandedly, feeling the strong aversion to something and faint relief once the clock strikes 5:00. Mia looks over to him with sad eyes, knowing that it's going to take more than a tv show to get Noah distracted from his SM.
"When was the last time?" she asks. "Yesterday morning," he says, looking down at his sock clad feet. She moves so that she's leaning against him, her legs tucked to the side instead of on top of him. "There's just nothing I can do," he says.
"You can be happy," she says, "that usually helps." "Yeah," Noah agrees softly. "Are you going to help out your mom tomorrow?" she asks. After being Noah's best friend for most of his life she knows how close he is to his mom. Gabby might as well be her own mother at this point.
"Yeah," he responds, "she has a late shift and my dad's still going to be out of town so I have to stay with her. I'll be moral support." He ends the statement with a grin and a little flourish of his shoulders, cheering himself up momentarily as his bright personality occasionally allows him to do.
It doesn't do anything to brighten the dark hiding behind his chest.
***
School let out ten minutes ago but as per usual Noah is there after school. He has choir practice and is currently hanging out in the hallway outside of the music wing. He is trying to talk to people and get his mind off of the poisonous and empty despair radiating through him.
He's felt this way before a couple times but his soulmate has always calmed down. He shouldn't get too worked up over it.
Someone ruffles his platinum blond hair that he should really get cut. He's looking up at it when he feels something inside of him shift.
It's as if someone took the world and cracked a joint. There's a moment of absolute silence before everything comes flooding in at once. He takes in a small gasp that no one notices as a phantom sting blooms along his arms. Resignation and so much pain and other things that he can't even pinpoint in the maelstrom race through him.
The feelings begin to fade before becoming larger and so encompassing that he can't keep up his conversation. He has to take a step back and lean against the wall for support. Even if he covers his right eye he can't get rid of the overwhelming emotions.
This has happened when things become too much to handle in the past but nothing has ever been remotely this bad.
"Hey are you okay?" Mia asks, also staying late for choir practice. Noah can only shake his head no as he feel panic creeping up and tears clogging his throat. "Do I need to get you out?" she asks helpfully. He can't respond.
He can't respond and he doesn't move. He just stands there with his hands over his face for a full three minutes as everything builds and builds and builds.
Other people are noticing now and watching with either curiosity or concern. He's managed to move his hands but he can't help the tears. Another minute passes and right when someone goes to get a teacher it all stops.
But it doesn't stop peacefully. No.
Everything inside of him is ripped out painfully, taking any breath or thought or feeling out with it. A shuddering and haunted scream escapes him as he falls to his knees. A sob turns into another scream as people rush around and teachers dash into the hallway.
All of the tortured feelings his soulmate has felt over the past year rips themselves out through his throat. His fingers dig painfully into his hair as grief is added to the onslaught of emotion returning to him in waves. Every part of him is shaking and his screams have only barely started to subside to body wracking sobs.
Once feeling returns to the tips of his fingers he knows that they're okay, they're alive. This process would be a lot longer if they had stayed dead. That has to be what this is. That notion doesn't do much to help assuage the roaring emotions within him though. Those have to calm down separately. They finally subside to grief and sadness and a couple others and he is able to hear the people around him.
He untangles himself slightly from where he curled up and leans back against the wall, sobs still forcing their way out. No one pokes fun, no one reacts with annoyance or confusion. They all know what this is.
From a young age you are told about your soulmate and the dangers. The concept of death is introduced at an early age as those who die young leave a deeper impact on their soulmate than if they were older.
For how excruciating these past forty seconds have been for Noah it's even worse for young children. They can die from it. For now he sobs quietly and tries to catch his breath as it all recedes. He is given a minute before a teacher crouches down next to him and helps him get up. He's lightheaded and stumbles before gaining his footing when Mia holds onto his arm, helping the teacher guide him into the choir room.
He is sat down in one of the chairs and someone is sent to go get the nurse. "What happened?" Mia asks gently. She sits down in the next seat as people gather at the doorway to watch. Noah shrugs his shoulders and shakes his head, he doesn't know.
"They're alive," he manages to get out, wincing at the pain in his chest and lungs from crying so much. His shallow breathing still hitches dramatically with every other intake. He leans against her and she takes his hand, squeezing it gently and reassuringly. "Well that's good," she says.
"Hey are you okay?" someone from behind them asks. Noah buries his face in his hands, sitting up so Mia can explain.
He blocks the sight of his left eye and feels the serenity of sleep, or unconsciousness, either one. The nurse walks in and crouches in front of Noah. "So this is concerning your SM?" she says for clarification. Whoever went and got her must have told her. He nods and lowers his hands.
"How are you feeling?" she asks kindly. "They're alive," he repeats. "Is that what happened?" she asks sadly. He nods his head. "Look up at me," she orders gently, inspecting his eyes when he raises his face to look at her.
"You're right," she says, "Nothing too dramatic but something definitely happened. You have a spot in your left eye."
When a person dies, their soulmate's eyes become a mix of their color and their soulmate's. This occurs when people are dead for a moment too, just both ways and less severe, so Noah isn't surprised that this is the case.
"Does anything hurt?" the nurse asks, going through her procedure for this sort of thing. "M-my chest hurts," he says as she takes his blood pressure.
The pain is from the crying though, not the emotion, and it's an agitation of a long gone infection in his lungs. This happens sometimes. But he still answers her questions and let's her perform her few other basic tests.
Others in the room go back to their talking, probably latching onto the new source of news as Noah's fractured breathing billows through the large space.
"Well I think you're okay," the nurse says, standing up to look down at him, "But you should probably go home and rest." "No," Noah protests weakly, "the practice is mandatory, I have to stay." "I don't think you're in any condition to be singing," the choir teacher says as she watches Noah wince at the pain from his chest.
She had come to stand behind the nurse and watch. "Well what if I don't let you," she says, crossing her arms. Noah looks up at her incredulously. "Well you can't dock my grade then," he argues.
Mia rolls her eyes and hides a grin.
Noah is allowed to stay on the premise that he can't be picked up right now. He manages to convince the teacher to let him sing despite being rather pale and a little shaky for most of practice.
Once they're dismissed and Noah is waiting in front of the school for Mia's dad to come pick them he pulls out his phone and looks at his eyes. In his left eye there is a spot of icy blue amongst the brown. He wonders with dread in his stomach as to what happened.
Mia's dad pulls up in his station wagon and they climb in, both saying hi.
Noah's dropped off at his house and takes a nap while he waits for his mom to come pick him up for her shift tonight. The ordeal has left him exhausted.
***
She picks him up and hands him a fast food bag with a small smile before driving out onto the street to go back to the hospital. "The nurse called me," she says somberly, "Are you okay? Do you wanna talk about it?"
"I-" Noah stammers with a sigh, "You know how I've said that they've been feel really, dark- lately." "Yeah," his mom encourages. "Well I think something bad happened," he says softly, "like really bad. They were, gone. It was for a moment but everything got really dark today and it finally just stopped.
"And then everything was, ripped out of me."
He pulls his hands out from his chest to try to relay how it felt. His mom hums sadly as she merges into the next lane. "I'm so sorry. How's your chest?" she asks. "I'm fine," Noah says, sitting back in his chair.
"Your eyes changed," she observes. Noah knows she's more concerned than she's letting on and that she's holding back for his sake.
"I know," he says.
They spend the rest of the ride in relative silence as they eat their dinner. Once they get to the hospital Noah's mom checks back in and Noah is set to hang out in one of the waiting rooms.
He does his homework and talks to Martha, the person working the desk tonight. He knows the general staff in this area of the hospital as he's come to hang out with his mom for most of his life.
He likes doing it, it's no hassle and it lets her work better shifts.
When his mom comes back around she takes him with her to 'socialize' with some of the patients. It's a thing that they have had permission to do for a while and people really seem to like it. Noah's happy personality usually leaves them in a better mood.
They stop by a couple people and Noah relaxes and lets himself be himself. They see two people recovering from surgery and one woman getting a treatment. They all seem happy to talk with Noah. When they get to the next person though his mom stops in front of the door.
"Now, Owen," she says, looking down at her chart, "be careful with him. He was only brought here at 3:00 after attempting suicide." Her face is somber and Noah nods.
They walk in and Noah sees a boy his age laying on the bed, eyes turned towards the closed window blinds. He has brown hair and is too thin. His parents sit with sad faces in the chairs along the far wall.
He picks weakly at the bandages on his wrists and when he turns his face so Noah can see his eyes he has a drastic color difference. His left eye is a piercing blue with a dot of brown while his right eye is a bright brown.
"Hello," Noah's mom says, "this is my son, Noah. He wanted to come say hi if that's okay."
Noah steps out from behind his mom and the kid, Owen, moves his bashful gaze from her to him.
The moment their eyes meet it's as if the world stops. There's a flash and suddenly Noah's breath hitches in his chest and tears come to his eyes. Owen's eyes are now both a shocking blue with a dot of brown and a ring around the iris, and Noah knows that his eyes are the exact inverse.
This is, him.
This is his soulmate.
The feelings that he had been feeling from his SM, Owen, root themselves further into his chest. Noah's mom looks on in shock. Owen's parents watch in a similar state, his mom on the cusp of tears. And Owen begins to cry.
He sits up and Noah takes an involuntary step forward, raising his hands over his mouth. Surprise has overtaken both of them, then a deep embarrassment and regret stems from Owen.
"Hi," Noah whispers. "I'm sorry," Owen says, hanging his head as his shoulders shake. Noah looks over at his mom, asking with his eyes as to what to do.
"Go to him," his mom mouths, gesturing with her head over to Owen. There are tears in her own eyes.
Noah takes the tentative steps to the bed and sits down on the edge. When he places his hand over Owen's he feels the rush of energy between them that everyone talks about.
The other boy looks up at Noah guiltily, unable to hide his surprise when he pulls him into a hug.
"I'm so sorry," Owen repeats, burying his face in Noah's shoulder and wrapping his arms tightly around his back.
Despite his crying and the lingering sad empty feeling that is filtering into Noah, he still feels a small burst of happiness from both of them at having found each other. He feels tears in his own eyes and his mom, having finished with her checklist, tells Owen's parents that they should have a moment alone. Suddenly they are the only ones left in the room.
And they just cling to each other, neither wanting to let go.