Let Her Go (girlxgirl) (lesbian story)

Chapter Sixty-eight

I cried, wept, wailed until Charlotte also appeared. Then I became embarrassed. Why was I claiming such attention when I didn't deserve any at all? I apologised to Zoey, mopped my face with paper towels then marched back out into the waiting room, determined to think only of her. No more 'poor Robyn'. No more thinking of myself.

No one spoke. There was barely any movement except Nika's increasingly rapid pacing.

Yuriy arrived. Still no news.

Zoey and Jonas went to get coffee from the machine outside, whispering furiously as soon as they thought the door had closed. They returned with cups for the siblings and me.

"Lots of sugar. Drink."

I took a sip of the sickly sweet liquid but couldn't stomach it. Yuriy and Nika's coffees remained similarly full. No one else arrived, not even strangers waiting on other people - we probably had our own private room. But still there was no fucking news.

Jonas cleared his throat, "You guys sure know how to make a scene, huh?"

My head swivelled on my neck. Eyes bored into his. He realised instantly he shouldn't have spoken.

"Get out."

"I'm sor-"

"I said get out!"

"Robyn, don't-"

"I'll fucking drag you, you piece of shit, just you fucking make me!" I was on my feet, fists clenched.

Jonas left. I sat back down. A minute trickled by, then another and another until it had been ten. We were tense and silent. My vision remained clouded.

"That was merciless," Yuriy commented, finally.

I grunted, and the wait went on. I don't know how long we sat there but it felt endless. An eternity of emptiness, of fear and pain and anguish. We all cried. Please be okay ... please ... anything....

Then began the ending of everything. We were on edge, alert enough to note the slightest new sound; we all heard footsteps before the door had moved.

A doctor. He wore green scrubs, barely covering his bulging stomach. Cheeks ruddy, as though he'd exerted himself. Bad (she had them panicking) or good (they still had something to panic about)? He gave no further clues.

"How is she?" Nika. Demanding, jaw clenched. He asked if any of us were her family. I covered my ears. I couldn't listen to this.

Nika jabbed a finger at Yuriy. The doctor said something, then they walked from the room. I uncovered my ears.

Their footsteps went too far to be heard. None of us breathed. Charlotte broke the silence, crying into Anthony's neck.

A minute. Then two ... three ... four...

The doctor came back. Alone: instant focal point. His gaze flicked between the five of us: "I'm afraid your friend didn't make it." Alexis groaned, slid to the floor, head in hands. "I'm sorry. We did everything we could." My blood froze in my veins. "If you need someone to talk to, I'm here for support."

"Can we see her?"

Followed him through a maze of polished linoleum, injured civilians, harassed medical professionals. I was in a nightmare: no sound penetrated the fog surrounding my brain, nothing around me looked real. I couldn't accept this; it wasn't happening. How could it be happening? The doctor turned into a room but I hung back. There was a window, curtain drawn, through which I couldn't see ... wouldn't see.

Zoey by my side, grasping my hand tightly in hers, cold, trembling. Her thumb grazing the side of my forefinger.

"We were supposed to have a life together," I whispered too quietly.

She looked at me, "Do you want to go in?"

"No ... I don't know. Should I?"

"I can't decide that for you." I gathered every ounce of strength I had, clenched my fists, adrenaline began to pump. I couldn't back out.

"I'm going."

"Are you sure?"

"No," I looked at her, "I have to. Get Jonas."

"What?"

"Find Jonas and tell him to get in here. He's her friend too, he should be allowed-"

"I'm going." She disappeared. My resolve went with her. I couldn't go into that room. I couldn't let that be my last image of her; she, always so vibrant, so full of life and mischief, reduced to stillness and silence. On the other hand, I couldn't leave her in there alone and abandoned when she needed me most. Fuck, why had I been put in this impossible fucking position? It wasn't fair.

I stumbled into the room, half-blinded by tears and there she lay, she without the name, eyes closed, hands crossed over her belly.

It didn't look as though she was sleeping. I knew what she looked like when she slept and there was no rise and fall of her chest, no warmth in her cheeks, no fluttering of eyelids as she dreamed. She was cold and still. This wasn't her. This wasn't the woman I loved.

"Robyn," Nika whispered, "come here." She was by her bedside, eyes wild and lost as she gazed down at her twin. One hand grasped Yuriy's. She took mine in the other.

"Can we pray for her?" Yuriy asked and for the first time since I'd known him, I could see his age. A boyish face replaced what had been a man as he looked imploringly at his sister.

We prayed and Jonas and Zoey joined us and we cried uncontrollably together, our collective heart breaking. Then we sprawled across the room, unable to move or think or feel any more. Our bodies needed a break.

A doctor appeared sometime later. It was a different one: Chinese, with glasses.

"I'm very sorry but we must remove your friend now. This bed is needed for other patients."

"My parents aren't here yet, can we wait?"

"I'm afraid that isn't a possibility," the doctor shook her head.

Nika stood up, "May I speak with the person in charge?" The doctor hid her surprise and accompanied Nika from the room. 

"Give 'em hell," I murmured, staring blankly at the floor. Show them what it's like in this impossible, terrible, unbearable world without her. 

Without... 

"Sabby," I whispered and buried my head between my knees.