Sincerely, Damien

Prologue

Warning: this contains mention of suicide

      When I was but a boy, I was born into a world that didn't care, surrounded by people who didn't either. From the early years of my life I remember so little, yet so much. The railroad near my house, the twilight that shone of the tracks, the moon high in the sky creating a haze that made the small town seem unreal. One thing that disturbs me is how well I remember the time between day and night, yet not once can I think of a time I saw the sun.  I must have only slowed down in the twilight, took time to think in the early hours of the night. If i had taken more time to think would i have remembered more? Would things have been different?

     Holland had your average hours of daylight, In the summer the sun rose around 6:00 AM and fell around 9:00 PM. The hours between 4:00 AM and 6:00 AM are when i can remember taking everything in. I would stand on my desk to see out the small window in my room and gaze at the train tracks. I was entranced by their ghostly appearance, and enthralled by the aforementioned moon that made them glow in such a way. I was never satisfied with just the night, yet i never knew there would come a time where i would see the day. This "Day" was not like the night, just a time that determined the amount of light. This "Day" was a person. A man of radiance and joy, who brought colors to my skies, returning what had been taken from me at such a young age.

    Wether or not memories of those days of twilight will one day return to me, is unknown. But, thats not an issue, as i am not writing this about myself, but about that boy who brought color and warmth to cold, pale night. We met after the army bailed me out of jail. He was a soldier, I was a scientist. Not of my own choice of course, I would quite honestly rather die than be trapped in that vile base. But he gave me hope. He made me want to live another day, just to see him again. But just as suddenly as he'd entered my life, he was gone again. When he came back, neither of us were the same. Therapy had finally taken its toll on me, and he had seen hell in combat. I was an incoherent mess, unable to bring him any solace, so again he left and I was alone for the second time. He came back eventually, he brought friends and everything seemed like it was going to be okay for a while. But then he left for the final time, and he was truly lost. I was alone for the last time, the cycle of abandonment was finally over. Or at least, i'd thought. It was my time now, to leave something behind. All my life ever was, cycles. Cycles of crying and laughing. Panic and joy. It would finally end. All i had to do was pull that trigger, and abandon this life.

  Here, you will see everything I wished for, everything my dying heart screamed for in those scant seconds before final brain death. What went though my mind the last time id seen him.

An apology to Jordan

Sincerely,

              Damien