I'm not okay (I promise)

I can't help letting you destroy me.

I can't help it.
I can't help letting you fuck up my head and tear me apart from the inside. You're so changeable and you're so indifferent-maybe I should have seen it coming. Or maybe I'm just saying that to sound poetic?
One day I'll be writing love poems that you will never know are meant for you and the next I'm listening to old my chemical romance on headphones with the sound turned up to block out my thoughts. And it's all because of you.

You: with your beautiful smile that shreds my heart with agonising pain.
You: with that soft hug-drawing me in and trapping me in a state of poisoned infatuation.
I loved that hug.
I can remember it so well, it's a hug I do not wish to forget.
You had called me over to sit next to you. I was upset. You then washed your sleeve covered hands around my neck. You were safe and you were warm and you were all I had. You asked me if was ok in a whisper so that they couldn't pry but all I could do was mumble and shake my head. I couldn't manage anything else. Maybe if we had just sat there forever, everything would have been okay.
Maybe.
Maybe it would have all just been ok.
Maybe it would have bene if it weren't that you were the reason my head shook. If the bite of tears had not been summoned at your command. A mumble was all I could muster unless I wished to spill the contents of the river themes onto your lap.

I wouldn't say you were the first to break me, I had been smashed into a thousand pieces long before you even picked me up for inspection. But I was getting better. I was slowly re-assembling the shards of whatever made my thoughts. I thought I was better. I was wrong. Im breaking again. Im being crushed onto dust, soon all that will be left is a collection of miscellaneous objects and a pair of ripped black  jeans.

No, I could not say that you were the first to break me, but when you left, I was most certainly not in one piece.