Recovery

The suffering begins

I, am Adrianna, when i was born, I think they didn't plan for it

I've got no pictures, no baby clothes nothing but some stupid ugly memories of when i used to get bullied in kindergarten.

But now, i stand for myself, for my rights and i excel at it...im good at expressing my feelings and my thoughts. I love myself, i have changed, i have fallen in love and i have been wanting to talk about it everytime someone mentions their problems that relate to mines. 

Im beautiful, i believe in it. Im amazing and i know who i am.

I have been controlled and robbed..yes i have been robbed...but not with money or anything that can be valuable to someone else. I...i was taken away from myself

I was taken away from my reality, my personality, my dreams, my ambitions..

I have been tortured physically and emotionally...getting hit and getting stressed and getting buied in every way.

i'm only 15 but it's enough to have a story...my story began when i was 4..when i started to understand what's going on around me. When i understood how life can be harsh for me and for others.

I knew a lot of girls who had problems with family or society. I have seen people dying in front of me and seeing animals and people suffering everyday which made me thankful. I was thankful...but nevertheless, my mom never admitted how thankful i was. She hit me everyday for no reason and she tortured me for stupid reasons; calling it "you need to have manners that respond to a girl raised by me" well, she hasn't been calling it that way, but it's what i always saw in her eyes and the way she wanted me to be. i have grown in confusion and most of the time, 'hate'

dear lover, i think you know how much i love you and how much my feelings control me more than they should, but your cold reactions made me sometimes speechless when i should talk, talkative when i should shut the hell up, happy when i am supposed to be sad or vise-versa.           I might have told you how much you changed me over the past three, or shall i say, the past two years, month and 16 days. i have loved you ever since i got out to the world, i was only 13 and i could feel things that not alot of girls my age even knew about, i felt confusion: which is not knowing how i was supposed to act or who i was supposed to be, i am a hyperactive person who doesn't really know what to do or how to feel sometimes, mentioning that i'm really moody, these things might have pushed you away a little, or.... i don't know really... do you feel me?           i used my mind too much, since your reactions were too cold i wasn't really managing to acheive what i wanted, and it is to make you act, and stop reacting, but if it starts with me then it's you who's reacting right? 

i stopped asking, talking, commenting and it was never a solution, and now, i am researching deep inside myself to find a solution, because you know, i know the solution is inside of me because as you complete me, i think i can complete you too...or maybe it is just my side, and will stay my side...always has been and will always be, you know, this beautiful friend of mine told me once that it's just not meant to be, that girl is so relaxing and she's simply amazing, although you might find this annoying but it is actually what i believe in now. WE, are NOT meant to be.

hey mind, get it! get it! understand it! i know you can convince my heart as well, but some people claim that a woman's heart is much stronger than any other, beating organ in...beings.

i am strong hey, i am.. am i talking to myslef? no hahaha i'm talking to you, but who are you? a reader? my lover? my friend? but im surely talking to somebody because i can't type, unless i'm talking to somebody you know; it's only because i'm an extrovert, and i work best when i have someone around me, but i'm alone... i think, im not an extrovert anymore :)

he left me alone and he preferred that i stay away, but i am not away, and i'm stuck in his mind now, you know why? because i wanna be a psychologist and i know some stuff about it and know that boys can be left hanging lol. they like it, they love it!

i went home that night, feeling like i'm ready to take everyone's pain inside of me and... i did, i look at people's eyes and i understand every single unspoken word and when my mum speaks to me, it's even harder to stay positive... she's just so negative and she thinks that if i take her negativity away, she'll be empty, when she feels empty, she cries, when she cries i take away her pain, but then she feels more empty and she's back to negative. And i'm in between her uncontrolled feelings and hate, she hates herself so much but it's better that way, because when she loves herself, she makes so so many wrong decisions a mother shouldn't make. her emotions are everywhere and i feel them and i hate them and i push them away every 3 seconds because they get inside of me because i am literally an open door that lets anything and anyone in and i wont do that anymore...

i have school anxiety and i don't know if that is even a thing, probably it's because i hate rules, uneducated, irresponsible people and people that we have nothing in common, and these things and creatures only exist at school and are even more visible when i am depressed like now... people are more like, you should be happy to stay with us and we don't want your negative vibes but i get these vibes from home, my mum is the definite source of all my inner sadness because, she as well, is an extrovert and not just an extrovert she hates being alone and she blames people when they get away from her and then cry and bla bla bla. i hate it so much and i wish her vibes would disappear but i love her, and now i'm confused