The Eyes Have It

Chapter 10: The Choice

Should he tell her? Wouldn't it just be cruel if she knew? Living life knowing that she could have lived forever. It would be kinder to tell her that there was never a chance, that they only have a few years left together "no" he answers simply, unable to offer anything else as explanation. It'll burden him for sure, this choice that he's made, every time he looks at her, every birthday she has, he'll be temped by selfishness, he'll desperately want to tell her all that could be.

He notices the disappointment on her face almost immediately, despite the fact that he can't bare to look at her. She knows that there's more, she knows she's not getting the full story, but it's better for her this way, at least that's what he'll tell himself tomorrow, and the days, the weeks, the months, the years after that.

***

He's not telling me something, I know it, I hold onto his hand with both of mine, stroking the back of it with my thumb to tell him that everything is okay, that he can tell me what burdens him "Ahk?" I whisper, trying to ignore his parents and just focus on him "say something baby"

All the life has drained from his eyes as he looks up at me, like all the light has disappeared, he stares at me for a moment before looking at the floor again and addressing his parents "mother and father, would you excuse us?" Is he going to tell me?

After a concerned look shared between them, they both nod and Ahkmenrah leads me out of the exhibit in silence. We walk up to the roof and never has fresh air had such a cleansing feeling to me before "tell me what's wrong, please"

"I can't, but you must know it's for the best" what is?! I knew he wasn't telling me something, I bloody knew it! There must be a loophole or something, but it must have a price, something so terrible that he won't even look at me.

I grab his arm and spin him around to look at me, holding his face firmly in my hands and looking deep into his eyes "you have to tell me Ahk, if there's even a slightest chance that I could spend the rest of my life with you then... you have to tell me, because I will fight for that chance, I will fight until nothing stands in our way. You know I will"

His eyes puff up as he starts to silently sob, trying to hold back his tears as his lips quiver. His hands travel down my arms and rest on my wrists, holding them tightly for support "I want nothing more, than to wake up every morning and have the first thing I see be your face" he pauses to take in a shaky breath, his right hand lets go of my wrist and strokes my cheek "your beautiful face" he's unable to hold back his tears now, but he tries to speak through it "but... I can't, be selfish with... you, please" he sobs "please don't ask me why, don't ask me what I can't tell you"

"But..."

Ahk's hands hold my face, mirroring me as I'm still holding his "please Celeste. Don't" I frown and stare deep into the recesses of his eyes, I can see that this is killing him inside, so I nod slowly, trying to hold back tears of my own, he sniffs back all of his and takes my left hand from his face, kissing the back of it before quickly pulling me into a tight hug. Earlier today I felt like the personification of sadness, then I saw the love of my life again and the curtain lifted, I'd never felt happier in my life, it was like... I can't even explain it, I can't express how happy I was, and now I'm back to square one, but I don't just feel like darkness, I feel dead, I feel so dead inside that all I want to do is cry. There's hope for us, but I'll never know what it was.

We stand in each other's arms for a while, just taking in everything, finally I pull away and wipe my face, forcing a weak smile onto my face "well then, we'd better make the most of our time together" his smile is fake and weak too, but it's less convincing than mine. He nods and I suggest that I should get to know his parents, and that they should get to know me. Solemnly we make our way back downstairs, his parents can tell that I still don't know the secret, they look pitiful and relieved at the same time, relieved that I don't know.

After some awkward and sad silence we all sit down and start talking like I hadn't just been shut out of a decision about my life, they ask questions about me and what I do in my spare time, they seem satisfied when I tell them that I'm an artist, it slips out that that's how Ahk and I met, once that's out they want to know all the details. From how we fell in love, to the first things we said to each other, I can tell that they're trying to distract me, and for a moment it actually works. It's nice to just talk to them, get lost in the past with them all, it helps to forget the crippling heartbreak that I feel right now.

When the sun rises I watch them get into their sarcophagi, and then allow the fake smile to easily run away from my face. Tilly comes and walks me out, I don't think she senses that something is wrong, I just let her babble about her boyfriend, or ex-boyfriend, I'm not sure. I get a taxi and go home, where I just break down against my front door. The worst part is that I don't even know why I'm crying, I don't know what choice Ahkmenrah had to make and can't tell me about, I don't know what I've lost. So essentially I'm crying about something I never really had, and that's my choice, they never gave me that chance.

It's easy to be angry with them for that, especially Ahkmenrah, because he chose not to tell me. It's harder to except why he couldn't tell me, or at least why he didn't want to. In his mind he's doing what's best for me, he's doing what he thinks is right, but I feel cast out, out of the loop, deprived of the truth. I'm angry that he took my choice from me, he didn't give me the chance to make up my own mind, to decide for myself.

Being angry with him makes me hate myself, it consumes me to the point where I'm aimlessly destroying my home, screaming my heart out as my belongings hit the floor, why am I so angry? I have no idea what I've even lost. Yes I do. A life with him. Whatever the price, I know it would be worth it, I know that we could find some way to be together, but he doesn't want that, he doesn't want to be 'selfish' with me. I understand that he doesn't want to put me in a questionable situation, but it still hurts, it hurts like nothing before. I've lost everything in one night. My future with Ahkmenrah, our happiness, my choice, the truth, my respect for two parents who would put us in this position to begin with.

~

A year has passed and the choice still looms over us, everyday I see that he wants to tell me more and more, and it's getting harder for him to keep it to himself, but I want him to do it, after a year of ignoring that heartbreaking night at the museum I think I deserve to know why. We've spent every night together, doing anything and everything we could do after the sun goes down, we shared some 'us' time, we went out dancing, out to dinner, spent quiet nights in at the museum, spent time with his parents, my parents even come round some nights and hang out with Ahk's parents.

The first night we went to my apartment is my fondest memory of the past year, as soon as he came alive I dragged him off to my place, setting an alarm on my phone for when we'd have to go back. We enjoyed some time alone and then just laid in bed, wrapped in each other's arms and just staring at the ceiling while I traced circles on the back of his hand. It was nice because it was just us, in a quiet room with nothing between us except for the blanket "every night should be like this" I spoke quietly.

He placed a feathery kiss on my shoulder "maybe this one could last forever" in an alternate universe I'd have sat up and asked him why it couldn't be forever, but then I'd be disrespecting our agreement, the one where I don't ask why.

"Wouldn't that be nice" I was trying to make a point, the room went quiet again after that so I think he picked up on it, his thumb stroked my skin softly and his cool breath felt relaxing on my shoulder. No matter what, I could never share a moment like this with anybody else.

Some people say it's possible to have more than one true love, but when I look at Ahkmenrah I know that he's it for me, no one could even compare to him, it's not possible, he's only ever lied to me once and I've come to accept that it's to protect me, but otherwise he's never lied to me, he's never been malicious or cruel, he's gentle and kind, he's damn good in bed too if I do say so myself. Anyone else would be love, but never true love.