The painkillers started the night you said you loved me.
Mostly because I knew you didn't.
But I let you say it,
And let myself believe it.
I wasn't surprised when she called me later,
Yelling at me for being your girlfriend,
When really it was my job to yell at her.
The painkillers started after I talked to her and slammed the phone intense I felt it in my hand.
My hand felt weak.
You cheated me out of strength.
What else was I really supposed to do?
I started snorting cocaine when the painkillers stopped working.
I had taken too many and it numbed my heart.
I felt like I deserved the pain.
So, I was cheating myself out of it.
Just like how you cheated me on trust.
That's when the cocaine started.
The needles came after that.
I had gone this far, why go back now?
I deserved this by now.
The girl had called me every day for two weeks straight.
Saying she trusted me.
Little did she know I didn't even trust myself.
So, I didn't blame her for not trust me.
And I didn't blame you either.
I blamed myself.
I would put a needle in and with each dose,
I felt better.
Because the heroine stopped me from remembering anymore.
The last I tried was LCD.
Because by this time I hated reality.
My heart was shredded and stepped on and recycled into a heap of memories.
I didn't like it.
So, I tried LSD to stop reality,
And let my imagination run wild for a second.
Somehow you found a way into there too.
Not on purpose I'm sure,
But even an accident is fate.
I stopped it all one night.
It was the best worst night of my life.
Because I saw you kissing her on her doorstep.
And because you weren't kissing me on mine anymore,
I cried.
Yet not because I missed you,
It was because of the painkillers for immense heartbreak,
The cocaine for lack of pain,
The heroine to remember,
And the LSD to forget.
I cried because I needed the things I had swallowed, snorted, shot, and tasted away in hope of erasing you.
