Diary of a dead girl

Crash test dummy

People always think if someone wears a smile they have a great life or if someone is always frowning they have a tough time. As human beings we automatically assume that facial expressions tell a story about a person. Truth be told, this generation is so used to having to hide their emotions and opinions - you could never know if someone was in pain. You would never tell someone was slowly drowning, losing their will to live little by little. You could never tell someone was suffering so much they'd willing bring harm to themselves. There is two main reasons for this. A) Other people just do not care enough to save that person from fading or B) That person who's alone and hurt doesn't allow others to see behind their mask in fear of being judged. Fear. We aren't born fearing the world. This generation is so selfish in their ways that we all learn to fear. We fear to be ourselves, fear to break from the obligations of society, fear to be free, we even fear to love. As children we are taught to thrive and do the best in life we can. We are taught to be who we are and we are taught that we will be accepted no matter who we choose to be. We were never taught how to face being judged, or broken. They never taught us how to love those who love us and those who hate us. And we were never taught to accept. So how does that work? We are taught that we will be accepted, but we never get taught to accept? So how can this generation expect to be accepted if they do not know how to? Confusing isn't it?

Its also confusing as to why there is a 13 year old girl kneeling in front of a toilet, bringing up her nutrients just to be liked by that insincere boy in the back of her class. It's puzzling as to why there is a 10 year old boy eating his lunch in the Loo's because he can not go a day without being called a faggot or Gaylord. It's also hard to understand why a beautiful 16 year old girl has a blade to her wrist because she's cried so many salty tears she no longer feels the pain. I don't know about you but it's struck me as to why there is a 21 year old guy taking drugs and pushing everyone away because it's the only way he doesn't have to make sure his emotions do not rip him apart again.

I used to believe that life was like a river. Having it's ups and downs, bumps and turns - but always flowing on. Now. Now I think that was just a lie I told myself, just so I could sleep at night. So I wouldn't pick that blade back up and slice my flesh so I finally felt something again. So I'd have a little glisten of hope, enough to allow me the tinniest piece of will power to actually wake up the next morning.

But lying to yourself kills you inside. Deafens your emotions, and dim even your brightest days. Slut, Slag, Hoe, Whore. Wannabe, Pathetic, Bitch, Useless, Dead weight, fat, over-weight. After hearing these names for a while you actually begin to believe them. You become self-conscious and try to do as much as you can to feel equal to the world. But you doubt. You see yourself in the mirror and you throw something in anger, You take a picture and scribble out your face, Someone compliments you and you automatically disagree - Because you've been taught to hate yourself.

This cruel, selfish and envious generation taught you to be a crash-test-dummy.