One Day I Will

How Did We End Up Like This?

My name is Kaci. And I live in an emotionally abusive relationship. But that's a little too fast right? Sorry. Let me start from the beginning...

I met Daniel a few years ago. I was alone. Recently heartbroken, and down on my luck. I wasn't looking for love, or even a relationship, but apparently it was looking for me... Daniel came speeding into my life like a turbo charged super car, and we've been barreling down hill ever since. I guess I should have noticed the signs; he was way too shy and sweet in the beginning. This was all back when we actually went places and did things... When he called because he missed me and not to find out where I was and who I was with. Back when I actually wanted to be around him and not to conceal myself in an imaginary world where things weren't bad. It took almost a year for things to start getting bad though. By then I was already in a heavy state of clouded denial that something was wrong. Sometimes I cant believe how stupid I was to actually think he would ever care for me as more than someone to do everything for him.

It started with small signs....I guess that's how I was able to fool myself. Checking my phone to make sure guys weren't messaging me. Wanting to know where I was going and who I was going to be with.  If he ever saw me talking to someone he didn't recognize, he had to know who it was. Little things. He had been hurt before and I guess I understood needing the security. I just didn't realize it wasn't about security at all, it was about the control. Things calmed down after a while, when I thought he was finally trusting me. Then he picked up my phone and saw a text from a guy, who I only saw as a little brother type, and lost it. I wasn't even given the chance to breathe an explanation. He just flew off the rails spouting out crap about how he "knew it" and that I had been lying to him the whole time. It took a week to show him he was being ridiculous and that the boy was actually into guys and not me.

That probably should have been a clue to cut my losses and be done with it. But in my head, I understood the confusion in reading where my girlfriend called another guy "sweetie" or "honey".  Again though, he was much younger than me and was into guys. A few months after this, we moved in together. We were both really happy to be able to spend as much time as we wanted together. But that soon changed. I don't know if it was living in a tiny room together or the suddenly seeing each other 24/7 that made things go sour fast. Probably a mixture of both. We had our first fight, which to tell you the truth, I don't even remember. At one point, he made me pack all of my things up and "broke up" with me. I was crying in my car for 10 minutes before he told me to grab my stuff and come back in. That he wanted me to know that he was capable of letting me go. That should have been a clue too... but I guess I was stupid. I thought I was in love...

Daniel has always made me feel like less than what I've always been told I am. He's told me that I don't have the right body type for clothes, that I eat too much, that I should start walking more... little things I tell myself anyway, but it's just different coming from someone that's supposed to lift you up and make you feel great about yourself; not knock you down every chance they get...

Things have gotten worse over the years, but I just can't bring myself to leave, and I haven't actually figured out why yet. He reminds me every now and then why I fell in love in the first place, but he also seems to push me farther and farther away in the next instant. Our relationship is a Rollercoaster that I'm stuck between having fun and being ready for it to just be over...

One day I was just not feeling it. I was tired of all the bull and actually felt relieved to be able to say I was headed to work. That was the day I met HIM ..and everything changed..