Used to be

Lost in my own mind

There was so much I wanted to say, yet no words came forth only a strangled cry of frustration. Tears started to amass and then descend down my face. I imagined my heart to be mutilated by now with how much torment I've gone through these past few years. Everyone counted on me to be the happy energetic crazy carefree girl they knew and loved. Many assumed I had a sheltered life, that I knew nothing of horrible deeds that the malicious commit. I am trapped by my own mind. It replays the misery I gone through that forsaken night. No one sees or notices that my smile has been feigned or that my eyes are hollow. I show them what they want so I am not a vexation. Throughout the years I made friends but none I have trusted enough to be able to convey my secrets to. I've noticed that nowadays betrayal is common as shoes and trust has become rare as unicorns. You could wish for everyone to succeed in life and treat them good yet they'd sell you out just to see you fall apart. So when I meet someone who is actually honest and nice it throws me off balance, I tend start to thinking hard about if they're worthy of my friendship and should I let them know me on such a deep level? Will I finally be able to open up and make these demons get out of my head? I'm not like everyone else in a way...I have learned to love myself and how to be happy on my own even though I forget sometimes what my self worth is. I see other girls degrade themselves just for others to like or love them. This world has made an image as to what their standards are for women and men and if you don't measure up, you are nothing in their eyes. I remember when my mother told me that if you stand for nothing; you'll fall for anything. My name is Amira Kaelin and I stand for my dreams that I'll make into reality but I will first have to conquer my demons that have me chained in misery.

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Mary J. Blige - Love yourself