I'm sitting next to my mom when the nurse calls her to the front of the emergency room. I lean over to Raelynn, her best friend and Chaplin, with desperation in my eyes.
"You know she's lying about half of the things she's saying, right?", I snap through clenched teeth.
Raelynn looks at me with sympathy but doesn't respond. My heart beats faster. I lean in to her closer.
"My mom is making it all up! She twists stories and makes everything my fault. She doesn't love me, she never has, and she never will. She used to hit me. She's the one who needs to be here. Not me. I'm fine..."
My rambling trails off. Raelynn takes a deep breath and meets my eyes with hers. "I had no idea those things had happened between your mother and you, and I am so sorry". Raelynn smiles at me. Her voice is soothing yet the rage inside of my chest only continues to build. My mom returns to her seat directly across from me. She avoids all eye contact while filling out my paperwork. I notice my nails are digging deep into the palms of my hands. My legs are bouncing so furiously that the chairs and bouncing too. Mom continues to scribble away, and I feel like I'm going to explode.
"If you let me get admitted into this place I will never talk to you again", I growl. "I will hate you. I will never forgive you. I hate you now."
Mom sighs, resting the clipboard on her lap for a moment. She looks at me and says firmly, "we have to do this". I continue to argue with her for what seems like hours and yet she refuses to change her mind. My hands tremble.
A nurse calls my name, gesturing for me to follow her into an office next to the nurse's station. My mom follows behind. Soon we're seated in a grey office. In front of me is a large oak desk where a nurse in blue scrubs is seated.
"Madison, what got us here today?", the nurse asks. Her question is piercing. She stares at me with a blank expression.
"I cut myself", I say plainly.
My mom speaks up. "But its more than that", she pulls out an old crumpled piece of notebook paper. I recognize it immediately and a heat wave shoots through my body. On the note, written over and over and over again, says the same five words: I want to kill myself. The nurse grabs the note from my mom and aggressively types away at her laptop.
"I don't need to be here", I snap. Before anyone can say anything else, I begin to scream. "My mom is lying to you. Whatever she has told you is a lie. She is crazy! She's the one that needs to be locked up here!". I continue to yell, to the point that I suddenly feel like I can't breathe. The nurse is quiet for a moment, thanks us for our time and then dismisses us back into the lobby.
"I hate you", I snap again.
A nurse calls my mom up to the front once again, leaving me alone with Raelynn. I am too ashamed to lift my head to her, so instead I busy myself with my phone. My mom comes over with another stack of paperwork. I slowly lift my head and ask if I'm being admitted.
My mom is quiet. She says nothing and continues to write.
"Am I being admitted!?"
This time I shout the question. She looks up to me and replies softly, "yes".
Heat engulfs my entire body, starting at my stomach and radiating outward. I break a sweat and my hands tremble. My eyes sting from the tears I am holding back. I quickly become inconsolable as I begin thrashing around, screaming at my mother that I hate her and that I never want to see her again. I put my finger to her chest.
Then suddenly everything goes black.
When my anxiety attack settles and I am aware of my surroundings again, I'm walking outside. In front of me walks a small nurse. Behind me is my mother, then behind her stands another nurse in dark grey scrubs. He is tall and muscular, and wearing a heavy silver chain around his neck. I am too afraid to ask what's happening as the nurse in front punches in her code to the door.
bzzzzzz, the keypad lights up green and the door unlocks.
"This way", she smiles.
I walk into what looks like a regular living room. A giant television with couches surrounding it catches my attention. I look around more to see a refrigerator, a kitchen table, book cases, and two large cabinets. I am directed into what could easily be a small closet. Inside there is a small table and two chairs.
"Wait here", she smiles again. Somehow, her smile isn't comforting. I look up at my mom who seems to be surprised at my silence.
"What time is it?"
"It's 7:40", my mom replies. The last time I remember, it's was only 3:30.
"Were we really waiting that long?", I ask my mom with concern.
"You were quiet for quite some time..."
We're interrupted by a short man in grey scrubs. He's holding a black styrofoam container and sets it down in front of me. "You're going to need to eat some dinner," he says in a French accent. "This is going to be your home for the next few days". I avoid all eye contact with my mom and look out the door. I notice two people about my age sitting on the couch, staring right at me. I turn away as the nurse begins to speak again.
"My name is Sy, and I'm going to be here with you to make sure you get better". Sy points to the chicken fingers and fries set before me. "You must be very hungry, you haven't eaten anything since you got here this morning". I hesitantly pick up a fry and pop it into my mouth. Sy smiles and addresses my mom.
As I'm eating dinner, another nurse walks into the closet and introduces herself to me. "Hi Madison, my name is Sarah and I'm one of the techs here. Since you're being admitted we're going to have to get you to take off any jewelry that you could hurt yourself with". I look down at my wrist to see one of my favorite bracelets. Sarah opens up the plastic bag in her hands. "You'll get it back, I promise". Sarah then points to the gold monogrammed necklace I had received only five days before for my seventeenth birthday. "I'm going to need that too", she orders. Suddenly I can't hold it back anymore, and I collapse under the weight of my own tears. As the tears stream out of me, I hand her my necklace.
Sarah has Sy and my mother leave the room for a minute as she tells me to remove my shoe laces and the string from my shorts. She takes my ponytail holders, bobby pins, and rings next. She sighs at me.
"We'll need you to change pants, too. Your shorts are too short for our dress code".
"I don't have anything else", I respond defeated.
Sarah leaves the room without another word and returns with a pair of paper pants.
"These will cover you up until your parents can bring you more clothes". Without another word I strip of my shorts and replace them with the make-shift pants. I am completely humiliated.
My mom enters the room again.
"Please bring me different clothes", I beg. I can feel the tears returning.
She looks to be holding back tears herself.
"I will", she says in between a broken breath.
My mom and I say a short goodbye, and I am left alone in the closet sized room. Sy re-enters and hands me a large packet of paper.
"I need you to fill this out, okay?"
I nod my head, and with shaking hands take the pen from his hand. I sigh, taking in the mass of paper before me.
I read the title out loud.
"Spring Water Behavioral Institution-New Patient Orientation"
I fill my name into the top and begin flipping through the pages.
