No Love Allowed

Twenty-Four

"You would what?" Hyun-Sook interrupted.

"Maybe I might not have dragged her into my world," he said honestly. The admission took her aback. "But I cannot change the past. All I can do is ask for a chance to try to make her happy. You have to at least give me that."

She crossed her arms. Then she stepped aside, creating a little room for him to pass. "You're right. Ultimately you being in her life is her decision to make."

With uneven steps, he walked around the chaos and Hyun-Sook toward the kitchen. Dishes were piled high in the sink. A mound of clothes sat on the floor beside the washing machine in the small laundry room. The table was a mess of half-empty Chinese takeout. The smell of pizza hung in the air.

The door to Suzy's room was ajar when his eyes finally landed there. Gathering what little courage he had left, he opened the door rest of the way and looked in. "Suzy?"

The mess in the kitchen extended into her room. Clothes littered the floor. Piles and piles of books and magazines ate up what space the clothes and shoes didn't. And there on the bed lay a mound covered by several layers of blankets. The whole scene seemed unreal.

"Suzy?" he repeated, unable to come closer without stepping on something she owned.

"Go away," came her muffled reply. The mound shifted with the tugging of the blankets. It seemed like she had curled into an even tighter ball than she already was.

"Suzy, I . . ." The walls of his throat closed.

There was a long sigh. Then a tired, weak voice said, "Sehun, whatever you think you're doing here, don't. You said this thing between us would end. Didn't I fulfill my end of the deal?"

"Yes, but -"

"Then you should go. There's nothing here for you."

"Suzy, I -"

"Please," she interrupted. She paused, then whispered, "Just leave."

His world threatened to crumble around him at her words. All because he had let love in. He was so sure she felt the same way. The painting she had given him and the paintings in her art room said so." "Soo, I'm here for you. Let me be here for you."

"No."

One word that became the saddest word in the world. It sounded so much like go. It hit him straight where it would hurt most. His heart. Eyes stinging, he backed away from her room.

Not paying attention, he bumped into the kitchen table and knocked over one of the chairs. Bending quickly, he righted it as the first tear fell. The hopelessness in her voice was what pushed him to run out of the house, not bothering to acknowledge Hyun-Sook's presence beside the open front door. She must be happy, getting what she wanted, he thought. Suzy didn't want him in her life. She didn't want him.

A new wave of hurt slapped Sehun, crushing his insides. The ground no longer felt solid beneath his feet.

Stumbling to his car, he opened the door and sat inside without starting the engine. He let the tears fall, gripping the steering wheel until his knuckles turned white.

Breathing hard, he found himself starting the car and driving until he reached Oh Estate. not bothering to remove the key from the ignition, he stepped out and ran all the way to his room.

Once inside, he paused, fingering combing through his hair. His eyes darted from place to place in search of his suitcase, until he remembered where he had left it. He hurried to his closet and pulled down a suitcase and a backpack, then threw both onto the bed. Then he began yanking shirts and pants from their hangers on the rack. Only the essentials. He figured he could buy whatever he needed as he and Chanyeol went along. The most important thing was getting far away from Seoul. Away from -

"Sehun, what is the meaning of this?" Suho asked annoyingly, entering his room.

Good. He needed his father to be just as pissed off as he was. "Did you know?"

"Know what?"

"When you have her investigated." He glared. "Did you know she had bipolar disorder?"

Instead of answering Sehun's rolling anger with his own, Suho sighed. "Of course I knew."

"And you didn't bother telling me sooner?" he roared, barely suppressing the urge to break something. Instead he stuffed shirts into the backpack.

"You ran out of my office before I could. Then the accident happened, and you refused to speak to anyone . . ."

Sehun gritted his teeth to keep from saying anything more when his father's words trailed off. Did the man have no paternal instincts left? So what if he hadn't wanted to speak to anyone at the time? His father should have pushed his way in. Sehun envied Suzy and the love her mother had for her as his fingernails dug into his palm. The pain inside his chest was too much for him to register anything else.

He bowed his head to keep his father from seeing fresh tears and whispered, "If this is love, I don't want it."

"Why are you packing?"

"Isn't it obvious?" He left the mess on his bed and moved to his dresser where his passport was. "Chanyeol and I are leaving for Europe. I'm staying over at his house until then to finalize our plans."

"Sehun."

He shrugged off the hand his father had placed on his shoulder and returned to his packing. "There's nothing more you can say. I've done everything you asked. I'll see you in a year."