((Phil was in a past abusive relationship, trigger warnings, abuse self harm.))
I trust Dan. I really do. I know he gets upset when I flinch or have a panic attack because of his loud voice. I just don't know how to control it after years of protecting myself from the abuse.
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"PHIL!!!" Dan boomed.
I shook from the tone in his voice. I cried, because I knew I'd have more bruises soon. I scratched my old scars they it bled, but Dan could never know that because I would disappoint him like usual. I slowly walked out to the kitchen, looking at Dan who was pointing to the empty box of of cereal on the counter. I knew Dan was stressed out lately, and I shouldn't have left such a mess for him to clean.
"Phil can you please just clean up your mess?"
I sighed in relief that Dan wasn't mad, so I happily nodded, saying sorry as I cleaned the box up and put it away like I should have in the first place.
A week later was when things got bad. I accidentally broke Dan's camera. We were just playing tag, and I started it in the first place. Everything I do, I mess it up somehow and Dan made that clear to me.
The camera fell to the ground with a sickening shatter, making me jump. Dan gave me the most frightening look I could've ever seen come from my beautiful boyfriend. I just stare at the ground with a look of disdain and sadness.
"I'm so sorry Dan, I started it and I hit the camera, please don't be mad...." I whispered, my voice quivering nearly as much as my body.
"That camera was so expensive!" He yelled, kneeling down to pick up the shattered camera.
I covered my mouth with a whimper, trying to keep my breath steady and tears back.
"God dammit..." He growled, dropping the remains on the ground.
He walked to me and raised his hand towards my cheek. I didn't know what he was going to do, as I closed my eyes and my entire body trembled as I flinched, covering my head as I fell to the floor. The impact made my loose jumper sleeves fall up to my elbows. The hideous scars I despised were now on display for Dan.
He looked at me with shock in his eyes, maybe because I had flinched so much or he finally saw my arms without he concealer covering them. He kneeled down next to me.
"Dan I'm so sorry I'll pay for a new camera, I'll buy you two, just please don't...." I gasped out, my lungs not functioning correctly any longer.
Dan reached down and softly grabbed my shoulders. He stared into my eyes with his brown ones, making me lose my train of thought.
"Philip Michael Lester. My beautiful, precious boyfriend. I won't ever hit you. And you shouldn't hate your scars..."'He whispered before walking to the couch, motioning for me to follow.
"Oh... Oh okay it's on now..." Dan said as I looked down at my hands. He smiled as he introduced himself, looking at me. He nudged my shoulder a bit.
"Hey guys." I said casually.
Dan frowned softly as I wasn't as loud as I usually was. Everyone in the comments was worried and so was Dan.
"Phil babe, are you okay...?" He whispered to me slowly.
I just nodded before I moved back a little.
Dan ignored it until about ten minutes into the live stream. He finally pulled me out of the room.
"Phil tell me what's wrong...?" He said in that posh voice I love so much. My heart shattered.
"Dan please let's just... Continue the live stream okay? People are worried about us." I insisted, pulling him back into the room.
"Not until you tell what's wrong!"
I flinched. "Let's just please talk about this later..." I insisted,pulling him bag
"Fine." He sighed, walking back to the computer. He sighed softly.
About ten minutes later, we were answering a few questions that Dan was particularly excited about. He raised his hands quickly and I covered my head, bracing for the impact of Dan's hands. Dan looked at me with complete confusion in his eyes.
"Phil..." He said, his voice filled with complete devastation, knowing why I was protecting myself.
"Phil please. I'm sorry guys we have to end this..." Dan said, shutting down the livestream. I started to weep again, shoving my face in Dan's chest. He just wrapped his arms around me, not saying a word, knowing I needed the comfort more then the speech. After a bit, he finally spoke.
"Phil... I won't ever hurt you, and you know that. I'm not your past boyfriend, and I will never lay a hand on you in anger. And for your scars, you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed about. Those are battles scars and they're part of you and your story. They're part of the man that I fell in love with, so I love them just as much. You know that I love you so much, and that you could completely burn the flat down, and I would be angry, I would get frustrated, but at the end of the day, you're my beautiful boyfriend that I would never ever hit, because pretty faces like yours don't deserve to be hit, and kind hearts like yours don't deserve to be broken."
I was stunned. I whimpered and hugged him tightly. "Thank you Dan..." I whispered, moving into his lap with little effort. He pulled me up and frowned softly, knowing not to touch my thighs nor my hips. He respects me and my boundaries. He knew that the first time I was ever touched it wasn't because I wanted it, it was because he had wanted to. The first time I was hit was because I messed up, and he made sure I knew it. The first time I was yelled at, it was because I was too stupid to understand a simple direction. That man had been my first everything, even if some of those firsts weren't so voluntary. And that disgusted me more then anything else on the planet. I felt disgusting, worthless, and lost before I met Dan. He made my mind clear and the black in my soul fade to grey, until it would finally turn white.
And that happened on the day of our wedding, when Dan's suit was the same color as my mind used to feel, pure black, and mine was the way he made me feel. He made me feel pure, clean, and like the happy man I once was. And now, as I stood there in front of the man I knew would be my forever, a tear ran down my cheek for the best reason. The rings went on flawlessly, as if they knew what to do, and Dan said his vows with a happiness in his voice no one could re create.
And after years of waiting for the perfect guy, after years of rape and abuse, and after years of fearing for my life, I said the words I most longed for my entire life.
"I do."
