I guess that I knew what I was doing was stupid. I was never smart, and I never made the right decision. Drama always seemed to follow me and so did the fuck boys. Math class was always my favorite period. With my favorite three people in that class sitting with me it was never a dull moment. Veronica, Mason, and Jared were those three people that made math my favorite period. Towards Christmas time, Jared had left for Peru for like a month. I swear things were so different, since he sat in front of me. It was so weird not having him there. We talked a lot before he came back. The day he came back I waited at the door till I saw him walking towards his locker right in front of class. I ran and jumped into his arms, I had literally missed him so much. We came to class and he was super flirty. I was a little shook since I had a boyfriend and he knew that. When he came back we'd all of a sudden just talk way more in class and play 8-ball with each other. It was weird but I kind of liked it. Two weeks pass by, were still flirting here and there. It felt so odd. I then broke up with my boyfriend. He told me that he didn't know if he loved me or not, he didn't know if he wanted to be with me in general. My only option was to break up with him, to protect myself from further harm. I told Jared that I broke up with Landon but it didn't faze him too much. Since the day I broke up with Landon was a Monday the rest of the week in the evening Jared would message me. We would do random shit on Instagram and then talk for hours. Three days after the Monday Jared and I had a really weird night. On the other two nights people would usually join our calls. This particular night we decided to talk alone, with just us. I don't even know how to explain the call; it was two hours with a lot of dirty talking. I really don't want to go into details, but in the end we decided that he should come over the next day at 6. Next day, I shaved my legs, cleaned my room, and got my nails done. He came over and that's how I lost my virginity. Four days after losing the boy I loved and in the amount of three hours. I'm sure whoever's reading knows what happens so no need to explain. Monday came by so quick, I was so nervous to walk into math class. I walked in and sat in my seat and talked to Veronica and Mason. He walked in smiling like always and so I thought to myself that maybe class wouldn't be so mad. He didn't speak to me the entire period. Even the people in our class noticed that we weren't speaking to each other. All the promises that were made just all seemed to fade away into the darkness with everything else that was out there. Promises like we can still be friends and everything will go back to normal. I was heartbroken. I didn't really know what I was getting myself into until two weeks after. Veronica and our other friend Cameron decided to go watch a movie. Jared and his friends had happened to be watching the same movie at the same time and to top it off our seats were right into front of his. I was just on top of the moon. Once he found out that I would be seated in front of him, he got a little upset. He told his friend that he didn't even know why I was there, that I was so annoying, and a bunch of other bull. I'm guessing that his friend told my friend who told me. She was so confused on why he disliked the fact that I was there. Since she was my best friend it broke my heart not being able to tell her what was going on. I felt so alone. That night I messaged Jared and asked him why he ignored me so much. He then said he didn't really know and that he was going to try and make an actual effort. In the moment I was shook to see what he asked me, he wanted to hang out at my place again. I said yes and then promised myself that nothing would happen. I'm assuming we all know the outcome of that. We ended up doing it again. I tried to resist, but he kept begging. I couldn't even resist anymore, he told me that we could continue and make this a regular thing. I was more than happy to agree. Not too long after that day, he decided that I wasn't what he wanted. So I asked him if being friends with benefits was what he really wanted, he said no. So I told him that it was fine and that I'd be okay. I really was not okay. Every night was just me crying myself to sleep. I would snarl at him, I would glare, and I even started smoking. I was spiraling into the darkness where I'd probably find all the other things he had told me. It was one day that I was sitting in a Tim Horton's when he called me. He said that someone asked him about me, he kept saying how he trusted me. I told him that I didn't tell anyone, and that people make assumptions all the time. People are always watching and putting pieces together of every puzzle they see. He said that he didn't want anything but friendship. I told him that I couldn't be friends with him anymore. He continuously asked me why, but I couldn't get the words out. Until the tears started to fall down my face and I said "I have feelings for you that's why okay and the only thing you care about is your reputation". He told me that we should try to be friends or people would get suspicious. I figured that if this is what it took for him to realize that we could never, that I could never see him as just a friend. Then I would do it because he needs to realize that I see him as more than a friend. Even if it took me everything to watch him move on, to watch him be happy with his friends, and to see him chase after all the wrong girls. Even if in the end my heart was completely shattered, I would do it because that's how much I care about him.
