Three Words| h.s dark

Chapter 22: Oops

I grasp the journal in my hands tighter, sitting on the bed. I double check the door a couple times, making sure it's shut completely and nobody is coming up the stairs.

I slowly open it, decided if I'm ready to read what ever was inside here. I was completely unprepared for what I was about to read. Was this even the right thing? I don't even think Harry would approve of this, the way he protects it so much. But he needs to stop building up walls. He won't let me into them, so I have to break them down. And this journal would help me.

If he won't tell me, then I'll read the journal he tells.

I flip open the the second page, since the first page was blank, and started reading.

Mom,

Today fucking sucked. It sucked so bad. I had to deal with fucking Dan again. Eighth time this week. When will he leave me alone and see that I don't want to be in this group anymore? I went to another party today, just because. Those stupid frat parties kinda help with all this stress, I guess. I know it's now the best way to deal with it, but it helps. Sarah wouldn't leave me alone, even though I specifically told her to. She doesn't fucking listen to me. Who am I kidding, she doesn't listen to a single fucking person in this damned world. Don't you think the world is damned, mom? No, the world isn't damned. It's the people. The people are damned. The people make the decisions, even bad ones. Humans shouldn't even exist on this world, then everything could be peaceful. No drama, no hurt, no love. No love... 

Sarah? Another one of Harry's one-night-stands?

Harry said he's never loved anyone... and now I see why. He thought love was just something damned on this planet. He thinks love always has a bad ending. But, that's not always true. Love could and can have a happy ending if you play the game right. It could be like a fairy tale. Harry and I could have a fairy tale...

I quickly flipped the page, desperate to read more.

Mom,

Frat party after another after another. Drink after drink after drink. Girl after girl after girl. It's all the same. I keep repeating these actions, and it's getting me no where. Yet, I do nothing about it. Absolutely nothing. I should, though. I just have no where to start. No, I don't know where to start. I'm a fucking lost cause, mom. Dad should've killed me. I haven't done anything productive. You were actually gonna go some where, and here I am, moping and whining about my problems when I could be doing something to fix them. No, I can't fix my problems. No one can, not even myself. And if I can't fix my own fucking problems, no one can.

I wince just thinking about what I would've done if Harry's dad killed him. What would my life be without Harry? I don't even want to think about it. 

I flip the page and continue reading Harry's personal thoughts to his mother.

Mom,

Leah. Leah is her name. Leah was at a frat party. I was such a jerk. Mom, she kissed someone else, Niall, in front of me. And it bothered me. I barely know this chick, and I got jealous. What does that even mean? I don't even know her and I get jealous over her kissing someone? Who the fuck am I? This isn't right. I got to finger her though. I don't know why I told you that. I guess it's silly that I'm writing to you anyway, not like you can read it. I hope I see her again, but I was a jerk. She'll probably never even see me again. I might text her tomorrow. Yeah, I'll do that.

I laugh at Harry's old perspective on me. Oh, how has he changed. Now we live together.

Mom,

I told Leah I was falling in love with her today. It was fucking embarrassing. That was my first time doing that, mom. I'm falling in love. I shouldn't even be in love. Love never ends well. Ever. Watch, I'll prove it to you later. We will separate and we will move on and forget about each other. I don't even know why she's wasting her time on me... I'm not worth it. I'll probably end up breaking her heart like the fuck up I am. I don't deserve to fucking live. It's fucking stupid. The fact that your gone... drives me insane. You were all I had left, mom. Dad took you away from me, and I'll never forgive him. I need you here now. This is... I need... your advice, and I hate admitting it, mom. I really do, but it's true. I need you right now. Maybe Leah can help me. She's very smart and wise. And pretty. And good in bed. Oops, I'm talking to my mom... where am I going with this? Well... some jackass, aka Dan... touched Leah and Emily. Do you remember Emily? Oh wait, you were gone when I was 17. Well, Emily used to be my sex buddy. Don't tell Leah, ha. Not like you could. Dan laid a fucking finger on my Leah. I gave him a bloody nose, though. I know you would be disappointed, but I had to. She could've got fucking raped by the junkie.