Worthy of You

Chapter One

I inhaled deeply as I stepped out of the airport. The whole place is packed with lots of people and I literally had to squeeze myself in some areas just to get out.

Pagkakuha sa aking mga gamit ay maingat ko nang tinahak ang daan na wala masyadong tao. Sari-saring eksena na ang tumambad sa akin sa paglabas ko ng bubog na pintuan ng paliparan.

May mga nag-iiyakan at naghihisterya sa pagdating ng mga sinasalabong nila at mayroon din namang mga tahimik na naghihintay, hawak ang placard na may nakasulat na mga pangalan.

I am finally home. It finally hit me when I set foot outside the steel barricades that separates those arriving and those picking people up.

I was no longer in the States. Nandito na ako ulit sa Pilipinas.

Ironically, I failed to realize that on the plane, even when they literally shouted ‘Mabuhay’ the moment we landed. Up to the moment I was inside the airport I was in a trance.

Dazed? Maybe. I’m still not sure if leaving the US is a good decision.

Hindi ko inaasahan na ang klima pa ang magpapaalala sa akin na nakauwi na ako.

It was a bit chilly from where I came from. Even if summer is approaching there, it still was a bit cold. Hence, I have been bundled up with layers of clothing. May scarf pa ako na nakapulupot sa leeg.

Meanwhile, the temperature here is scorching. Sa tindi ng init ay magkakaheat stroke yata ako kung manantili akong nakabalot. Maalinsangan. Kahit ang hanging umiihip sa akin ay mainit at walang kahit anong ginhawa na naidudulot.

Agad akong nanlagkit pagtapak ko sa mahabang covered pathway na nag-uugnay sa terminal at sa drop off point.

Una kong tinanggal ang nakabalabal na scarf at itinali ang aking tuwid na buhok. I took off my coat next and hung it on the handle of my luggage while I waited. Alam kong pagtitinginan ako kung huhubarin ko rin ang aking sweater kaya naman nagtiis na ako kahit na mas maaliwalas sana kung aalisin ko ‘yon.

Being here again feels nostalgic. I remember I was crying so badly when I left four years ago. Ayaw na nga akong patuluyunin ni Kuya noon dahil pababa pa lang sa kanyang sasakyan ay humahagulhol na ako. He thought that I was weeping because I didn’t want to go anymore. That I was chickening out of an opportunity I could have easily sought here, but I wasn’t.

Although it would be a lie to say that I wasn’t scared about going away back then. I knew homesickness and an even more terrifying world were waiting for me abroad. Far from my home, my friends and my comfort zone, I was petrified.

Hindi ko mabibilang kung ilang beses kong inisip noong una na umuwi na lang at bumalik dito. Kung ilang gabi at araw akong nagpakain sa kalungkutan at pag-iisa lalo noong mga unang araw at linggo ko roon. Kung paano ko kinaya ang ilang bagay na mas madali sana kung nandito ako.

But I knew they were part of the package. Ang kalungkutan. Ang pag-iisa. Ang pangungulila. Kasama ang lahat ng iyon sa pagdedesisyon na lumayo.

When I made up my mind about leaving, I braced myself for those things and I was determined to overcome them. At ilang buwan mula sa aking pag-alis ay agad ko namang nakasanayan ang buhay doon.

To be honest, I was crying because of something else. Sa isang dahilan na may kinalaman din sa pag-alis ko. In fact, if it wasn’t for that, I would never have left. Kaya dapat ko bang ipagpasalamat doon ang lahat ng tinatamasa ko ngayon?

I actually did not plan to be away for too long. Ang plano ko lang sana ay kumuha ng short course, kumalap ng kaunting experience para gumanda ang aking portfolio at umuwi agad pagkatapos ng isang taon.