Darling

I sat in silence, hoping with all that I had that he would make it, but his heart rate was dropping along with my hopes. All I could do was cling to my mother, sobbing violently into her chest, hoping her warm embrace and reassuring words could coax me out of this emotion that was overwhelming me. A feeling that if I were to put into words, could only be described as being hit by a large wave and being held under the water by the strength of the sea. So I sat there, drowning, and no matter how hard I tried to swim up, It held me down with its strong and unforgiving current. We sat there for what seemed like hours before the doctor entered the waiting room, the look that dawned his face gave it away before he even spoke. He asked if he could speak with my mother privately...I knew what that meant. 

So I sat there, waiting and waiting, descending into insanity as I sat in the cold, white waiting room with only my thoughts and, occasionally, the nurse's heels clicking on the cold tile floor as they passed by. An hour later my mother came back, eyes puffy and body trembling as her and I exchanged a look that told me everything I needed to know. I stood up and approached the room where he lied, and with every step I took, I felt  I was being taken deeper and deeper under the current. I could barely breathe by the time I reached the door. I swung it open and saw him lying there; he could've been sleeping if not for the deep gashes going up and down his forearms, and the noise of the flat line echoing eerily in the room.

I don't think I have ever sobbed harder in my life. As I approached the bed, I saw he had a tranquil look on his face. You know what the worst part was? That expression was the closest thing I had seen to joy on his face in a long, long time.  He had taken his own life, along with my heart.

The funeral happened a month after that night, all of us gathered around his grave as they lowered him into the ground. There was no priest there, he was never one for religion. I think he believed in a higher being though, he just didn't want to attach himself to a label; he was a free spirit, not wanting to be held down to one way of living.

Everyone else made their way to the wake, yet I remained behind, staring at the freshly engraved headstone with a mixture of sorrow and rage. 

"You're selfish ya know...leaving me with the heavy burden of your death to carry on my shoulders..." she spits those cruel words at his grave, hoping to god that he could hear her. "Did I cross your thoughts at all as you slid the blade down your arm? Did my face even enter your mind as you bled out on our bedroom floor?!" she spat at the grave.  "HOW DARE YOU DO THIS! I LOVED YOU WITH MY SOUL! I GAVE YOU MY HEART AND YOU TOOK IT WITH YOU TO YOUR GRAVE!" 

She was sobbing now. As she screamed that last word, she fell to her knees. Her hands on the cold, moist soil of his grave. "Was my love not enough for you? was OUR love not enough?" she paused to ponder her next words, and the very thought of it crushed her. "Did you ever love me...darling?" Her tears were now dripping from her nose onto the soil below her. She sobbed over the grave, punched the ground beneath her with fury burning in her eyes, only to be replaced by tears moments later. After what seemed to be an eternity, her sobs turned to soft whimpering as she moved to the edge of the grave and sat there in silence until she continued speaking once more. "Was there a moment where I did cross your mind? God how could I not see you were hurting so much...you are the love of my life, I'm supposed to see these things. Could this have been avoided? is this my fault?" she was now looking down at nothing in particular, tears streaming down her face. "What will I do without you? who will wake up beside me in the early hours of the morning, who will make me laugh until my ribs ache and my face hurts from smiling? Sure I could, hypothetically, find someone else...but they wouldn't be you."

Her tears started falling to the soil once more, as she quietly sobbed. Her face in her hands and her heart in his grave.