The Agony of the Lost Gem

It was a rainy Saturday night. I felt every drop of rain trying to wash away my pain. I felt the wrath of heavens trying to stop this crazy thought in my head but I guess it's too late. Everything was in place, this should be it. This must be done.

I left a note on my bed and I hope she gets to read it. I want her to feel the agony of a throbbing soul – the misery of an abandoned child.

She felt the waves splashing through her knees

Piece by piece she was swallowed by the seas

Never did she think of trying to escape

The cruel waters that brought her to scrape

How lonesome can that gem be?

Floating by itself in the big blue sea

If only you treasured that precious gem

She won't have turned a thorny stem

From your womb that darling came

Yet you didn't even grant her name

Alone – she was from the very start

You know nothing of her aching heart

For years that gem was extremely abused

All tears were shed, were you amused?

Now everything is out of hue

And this is all because of you

I saw the angered waves splashing through the shore. The breeze was seeping through my bones making it wobble and shiver in cold. All the years of being denied have reached its end. Alone, I lived – Alone, I'll vanish.

As I was halfway through the other side, I heard a strangely familiar voice calling out my name – her voice trembling in fear. For a second I froze. It was her. She is finally here. But why? Why now when I had already stopped waiting? When I already threw every last bit of hope I had in me. No. I won't let her stop me. I want to make her suffer and haunt her with the guilt of losing the child she never acknowledged.

The waters have succeeded to take me with it. I can feel the burning sensation in my chest and the cry of my lungs grasping for air. Everything of me was completely breaking apart and as I was about to lose it all when I felt that hand grabbing me back to life.

I slowly opened my eyes and I saw her vividly beside my bed. She was smiling at me. She saved me. For a moment I was mad at her but then I was ashamed. I hated her yet here she is trying to make it up to me. I want to take back all the things I said to her but I can't seem to say a word.

She caressed my face and I saw a tear trying to escape from the verge of her hazel eyes. She smiled painfully and mouthed, "I'm Sorry. I love you darling." For quite some time I've held it back but now I just gave in. Heavy tears escaped my eyes and as I was sobbing with a heavy heart, I felt myself waking up and I realized that it was just a dream. Amidst this, tears were still flowing overwhelmingly.

Piece by piece I put to place the memory of last night's incident and it all came crashing unto me. The guilt and despair were asphyxiating and suffocating. It should have been me. If I hadn't left that note, she wouldn't have known and this wouldn't have happened. I will still be able to have even the slightest hope to see her and hear her loving voice but now it's gone, she's gone. Now I will carry this burden and pain for the rest of my life. This was worse than being left alone – harder than being on my own.

Things will never be the same again and I could feel worse and be worse but I shouldn't. Wasting my life is not an option anymore because she sacrificed hers for mine and I should treasure that. She may have not showed it but now I know she treasured me. She may have hid me but that's her way of protecting her best gem.

As I sent her ashes away in the sea, I felt her presence overwhelming me. "I'm sorry," I murmured through the opposing breeze and I know somewhere she's contented that I'm not wasting the life she gave me.