Mar. 11 2017
I don't know what's wrong anymore. I'm sad constantly and it doesn't even matter if I ate anything or not I still want to vomit. I still try.
I lost five pounds. I allowed myself a mug of hot chocolate. I weighed myself the next day and I gained a pound. I'm that pathetic.
My friend tells me nice things. I know she's pitying me because of my problem. I know that by posting this I'm annoying her, and then by saying it annoys her it's just annoying her more. No matter what she says. And her mom knows now, and she didn't tell her, which I'm thankful about. She texted me, she said that I felt like family to her. That's the only time I've ever actually felt remotely anything to family. My house is basically a bunch of people living under one roof. We're not together in any way, except for when they tease or spit insults at me. I'm the only one they spit insults at. I'm like the joker of the family. I'm thankful for my friend. And I don't say it enough because then I feel clingy. Actually, by saying the stuff about family I'm afraid that I'm misinterpreting things, and that she's gonna be uncomfortable.
I've been exercising a lot more. I do at least 40 push-ups before bed and when I wake up. I always volunteer to walk my dog(we walk him a lot), and I run. Even if I'm sitting down, I still clench my stomach and my legs and my arms, 30 seconds each. My stomach for 1 minute. I've been eating less, I'm starting to eat less of my lunch, no sides, just what's there. And that's starting o taste a little bad, but if I don't eat it I'm gonna pass out and drag attention to me. It's working though, I'm skinnier, not skinny enough though. I'll be the perfect weight one day though, if I keep this up.
I'm said, like I said before. All I want to do is lay down, not nap, just lay there. I can't though, because the last time I was left alone with my thoughts, I vomited for the first time. I'm starting to feel like a burden. There's this one girl I know, she says she has problems and complains about them 24/7 and yet she has none. I feel like that girl. I feel like I'm making a whole big deal out of nothing, that I'm annoying to my friends, no matter what they say, and I'm starting to second guess myself on everything. Without someone I trust, I get all fidgety in public places, I just look down at the ground and then I run into things like the fuck up I am. I'm losing confidence in my music. That's the only thing that convinces me to be okay, like a nicotine patch. I have a necklace. It's a treble clef, and I wear it every day. I didn't wear it on Monday. On purpose. When I wear my necklace it means that I'm in control, that I'm okay and everything's gonna be fine. I take it off when I vomit. I'm not in control then. It's something else, like a thing in my head that's constantly telling me things I don't want to hear, constantly controlling my every action. I don't wear my necklace to sleep either. That explains why nights are terrifying. Especially since my window takes up most of one of my walls. I'm not afraid of the dark, it's just that it's so infinite. It's pitch black, and all I can do is look at it. It's absolutely horrible. I can't complain though. I can't say I'm sad, because i can't be. I'm in a good financial state, I have good grades, and good friends. So why am I so sad?
(P.S. I don't have any mental illnesses, nor am I implying I have any. It's just feelings, I'll get over it. I just needed to rant.)
