I always hated people.
I put on a fake smile through my tears and said I was fine.
I put on makeup because I think it makes me look pretty.
I lie to myself.
I am ugly inside and out.
I have so much regret in my life.
I should have stayed in school. If I did, maybe I would've had a chance.
Love.
A job.
A family.
Happiness.
All I feel is constant pain and anxiety.
This is the story of how me, the slut, learned to change.
••••••••••••••••••••••••••
Another puff of my cigarette and a sigh.
It was cold, I wore only a little thin sweater over my slutty clothes. Shorts cut overwhelmingly short, a tight, see-through tank top. I looked to my left and saw a car approach. The same thing as always. A fake flirty smile and whoo-hoo, I'm inside of a stranger's car, off to wherever their house is. Not like I could care, but really...
Derek always picks me up at the same spot every morning. Sometimes it's a long walk.
Our marriage... is loveless.
It used to have lots of love. I'd spend all my time with him, I'd get hugs and kisses from him. Something I hardly ever get now. Oh but I love him. And he loves me, I think. But our marriage isn't normal.
We haven't slept in the same bed in nine months. It's horrible, I miss the hugs he'd give me in my sleep. The cuddles. I long for his warmth and touch. Sometimes I cry. But then I suck it up and do what I have to do.
I go and sleep with strangers for money. It pays the bills... the bills for the house I'm never in.
I hate it. I hate everything, everyone.
I hate myself. What I've grown to be.
I'm a horrible example.
I wish I could die.
Be freed from my misery.
I never do anything about my feelings.
It's not like they mean anything.
Derek is busy, he doesn't have time for me, that's all.
