the song fic

"I think I've been telling lies,
cause I've never been in love.
Everyone falls for the sunshine disguise, distracted by who they're thinking of.

I'd rather date an idea;
something I'll never find.
Sure, I'll live in the moment,
but I'm never happy here
I'm surrounded by greener looking time.

Am I the only one
wishing life away?
Never caught up in the moment
busy begging the past to stay
Memories painted with much brighter ink;
they tell me I loved, teach me how to think.

I'll take what I can get
cause I'm too damp for a spark.
Kissing sickly sweet guys
cause they say they like my eyes
but I'd only ever see them in the dark.

I'm sick of faking diary entries,
got to get it in my head; I'll never be sixteen again
I'm waiting to live, and waiting to love
oh it'll be over, and I'll still be asking when."

He played a muted G and groaned. "That was really bad. I'm sorry." Phil looked amazed. "That was so beautiful," He looked at the sticker on my guitar. "Bear." Dan blushed. He's never had a nickname. He packed up his guitar before Phil wrapped his hands around Dan's waist. "You're freezing, love." Dan mumbled before trying to take off Phil's jacket. "Keep it. You're more important than I am." Dan had never been called that. Important. "I don't know if this is too soon, but if you don't like living with your dad, I have a pretty large flat. You can stay with me for a while?" Phil smiled, before pulling the boy in a hug. "That would be amazing. Thank you, bear." Dan smiled into Phil's chest. "I think I just found the lyrics to my melody."

~~~

One year later

"Good morning, Philly?" Dan woke up and turned to his side to not see Phil next to him. He was confused. Where could he be? They went to bed together, well Phil earlier than Dan. But Phil was in bed when Dan came in at one. Once Phil had moved in with Dan, Dan's insomnia had disappeared and he finally was able to sleep. Before leaving his cocoon of warmth, Dan wondered where Phil had gone. He didn't eat all day yesterday, or the day before, or the day before that, so maybe he was hungry? Dan told him to see a doctor, but Phil said "it was the flu" because he had been coughing and losing his voice, which didn't seem like a serious matter to him. Dan stood up with blanket cuddled around him. "Phil?" He saw the bathroom door was slighlty ajar, a glimpse of light showing. He dropped the blanket and opened the door to see Phil passed out on the floor, blood in the toilet and dribbling from him mouth. Dan cried. That's all he felt he could do. Cry. He ran to get his phone and dialed 999. He whined into the phone like a little girl who's cat climbed into a tree. They stated to immediately send the ambulance, but it felt like forever. He wanted to see Phil. That was the only thing he wanted to do. But he was scared. He didn't want to see him dead. Men rushed in the door, carrying a stretcher behind them. Dan felt helpless. He wanted his Phil. Not the sad and sick Phil. A woman came up to Dan with a clipboard. "Hello, sir. We are going to need to rush your roommate to the hospital urgently. He is breathing." That word relieved Dan. "But we don't know how long he has left." Dan nodded, biting his lip to hold back tears. "Can I come?" She nodded. "Anything, love. Your name?" Dan ran his fingers through his curly brown locks. "Dan. Dan Howell." She wrote it down on her clipboard. "And what is your relationship to..." Dan cut her off. "Phil. Phil Lester. He's my boyfriend." She smiled. "Okay, dear. I can wait for you in the lobby if you want to get changed. Then I can drive you to hospice. Phil is already on his way." He nodded and walked to the bedroom. "I'm Samantha by the way." Dan closed his door. He put on light pink jeans and nude converse. Dan didn't even bother putting a shirt on, just Phil's black sweatshirt. It smelled like him. Cinnamon. Dan walked out the door like that, eyes still glistening with tears. He met up with Samantha in the lobby and they walked in silence to her car. He got in the passenger side and looked out the window. "I see you love Phil very much. I saw the pictures in your lounge." Dan let out a sad laugh. "He's my best friend. I can't lose him. He's my everything." She sighed. "I also saw an award." She was obviously changing the subject. "What's it for?" Dan continued to stare at nothing. "It's a BONCA. I post my music online, and I guess people like it." She laughed. "You guess? Obviously they like it if you won an award for it." Dan bit his lip. "It was just song of the year." She seemed baffled. "Did you write it?" Another nod from Dan. "Yeah. It's called when. Phil helped me write it." She smiled. "I heard that song on the radio a few days again. You're danisnotonfire!" Dan looked away from the window. "That's me." She pulled up to the drop-off of the hospital. "Well, good luck. I hope Phil gets well." "Me too." I slammed the door and walked to the hospital. In the lobby, Dan saw one of the men that had gotten Phil. "Hello, sir. I'm guessing you're here for Philip Lester." Dan mumbled a quiet "yes." He sighed. "Level four, room 16 y." Dan waved for a sign of thank you. He walked to the lift and click the up button. He got in and rode to level 4. He got out and paced down the endless hallway. He looked for a 16, and it felt like ages until he found it. He opened the door and saw Phil still asleep, connected to a monitor. Five doctors were surrounding him. They looked at Dan, eyes filled with sorrow. "Hello, Mr. Howell. I'm guessing you are here to say goodbye." Dan's mouth dropped. "What the hell do you mean by goodbye?" The doctor sighed. "I'm sorry. Phil didn't make it in time. He has lung cancer, traces of ash found in his system. He only has a few minutes to live." Dan felt the tears stream down to his cheeks. "Can I do it alone, please?" The doctors nodded, and left the room. Dan sat next to Phil, hearing his deep shallow breaths. "Hello, baby. This is last time we'll ever speak." Dan wiped his eyes. "I just want to say how much I love you. It's a lot. I just wanted to sing something to you. Just because you told me I could sing and led me to miles of inspiration." He sniffled. "So, remember when we saw wicked a few months ago? When we flew to New York City for a meet-up? That was one of the best days of my life. I remember telling you my favorite song was for good. And you sang it everyday for two months straight. It's my turn." Dan let out a sob.

"I've heard it said

That people come into our lives for a reason

Bringing something we must learn

And we are led

To those who help us most to grow

If we let them

And we help them in return

Well, I don't know if I believe that's true

But I know I'm who I am today

Because I knew you...

Like a comet pulled from orbit

As it passes a sun

Like a stream that meets a boulder

Halfway through the wood

Who can say if I've been changed for the better?

But because I knew you

I have been changed for good."

The machine let out a buzz as the line went straight. He was gone.

~The following year~

"Thank you everyone who could make it here tonight! I would like to welcome our special guest, Daniel James Howell, to Carnegie Hall! He stopped here from his busy world tour to share some songs tonight!" The audience roared. Dan walked on the stage and smiled. He sat down at the piano. "Hello, everyone. I don't think you guess know this, but today marks the first year without my best friend. And that's who I dedicate my first song to. Hey Phil, if you're listening, I love you. This is for you." Dan sighed and began to play the melody on the keys.

"It's a little bit funny this feeling inside
I'm not one of those who can easily hide
I don't have much money but boy if I did
I'd buy a big house where we both could live

If I was a sculptor, but then again, no
Or a man who makes potions in a traveling show
I know it's not much but it's the best I can do
My gift is my song and this one's for you

And you can tell everybody this is your song
It may be quite simple but now that it's done
I hope you don't mind
I hope you don't mind that I put down in words
How wonderful life is while you're in the world

I sat on the roof and kicked off the moss
Well a few of the verses well they've got me quite cross
But the sun's been quite kind while I wrote this song
It's for people like you that keep it turned on

So excuse me forgetting but these things I do
You see I've forgotten if they're green or they're blue
Anyway the thing is what I really mean
Yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen

And you can tell everybody this is your song
It may be quite simple but now that it's done
I hope you don't mind
I hope you don't mind that I put down in words
How wonderful life is while you're in the world."

The audience went wild. From cheers to screams to cries. Dan wiped a few tears from his eyes. He looked up to the top balcony and saw a man with striking blue eyes and raven black hair. He was dressed in head to toes in all black. The man smiled and clapped. People call him mad, maybe even mentally insane, but he didn't just think that it was Phil.

He knew.