It's always has to be about them and what they want. Every time when she wants this she get it. When he want a this he gets it. When they ask me to do this for them I do it. They don't want it they don't get it.
But what about what I want? What about the things that I like and don't like. Things that I don't want.. what about them. Always has to be about you. Never about me.
Doesn't feel like you love me since it always has to be about you. I don't even feel like your daughter anymore. Just some mistake to this world. Something that God would regret making cause it seems like that because of the way you treating me.
I ask you to go to a friend's sleepover one more time and I promise not to go ever again. She is moving to a new house and that old house even though I don't know it that though but it brings me so much joy and happiness. Makes me happier just by looking at it. I hate this house that I I've in. I don't love it at all. It makes me want to kill myself for living in it. Makes me feel like i have no use in it. I'm just a thing taking up space for something better than me since I'm just trash.
I don't get respect in this house even though I respect you guys but you don't care. Just to go one more time to that house that is a home to me other than this one. I love the people in that house more than I do in my own families house. Not because it's my friend's house but because that house is a home of good people. People better than my parents.
I asked them to go to her sleepover one more time and my dad said yes but mom said no. Just because I went to my other friend's birthday party last week and the week before I went to a sleepover at the same place I wanna go to now she says no. I have been going out too much I barely have time for myself at home and to clean my room but she knows I do. She just docent wan me to go to people that I love. Even though she is my mother, I sometimes feel like she isn't. She will always want things to be done her way. Dress li,e this, clean like this, do your hair like this, act like this, wash dishes like this, cook like this. She even said no I don't want you to go. But I want to. But because she doesn't want ,e to it will never happen.
Im sitting here in my room. Crying. Cause my father told me to go to my room cause i was irritating them they are trying to watch tv.I am not crying right now just because of the sleepover or anything, Im crying because now I see what kind of parents they are. The type of people they are. People who only care about themselves and things that they want.
After today, I will be who i want and do what I want and say what I want. No matter what they say or do. And I know they are gonna hit me but the pain they give me will be the only thing they give me since they only care about what they want to do and think it will make me listen to them but i won't. I won't even bother. I told myself that I will not become like my sister and self harm myself or smoke or drink. I told myself I won't talk like that to my parents and disrespect them. I told myself that they are already going through a lot with their marriage since my father is cheating on my mother but i take back my words. If they want to hit me ( which they always do) then they can and that just like I can also do what I want. The day I spill all the bean, the day I tell them what they don't want to hear is the last day of my life.
I know killing myself won't be an answer to my problems but it will remove all the pain I feel knowing that my parents aren't showing any effort anymore. I don't plan on having a future anymore. I don't plan on going to high school any more. I don't even care which one I'm going to. It doesn't matter to me anymore, nothing does. Not even If I eati or sleep or being healthy. Or how I look or anything. I don't care, it doesn't matter to me anymore. Nothing matters anymore. Just waiting for that day where i let it all out.
I don't even have anyone to talk to anymore. If I tell my oldest sister she is gonna tell my mom and if my mom sees this she will hit me. The day I do this she will be crying and crying and crying and blaming herself but i don't care anymore just like she doesn't care when I cry. Doesn't care when I just starve myself. Doesn't care that my birthday comes only after 4 years. On the 29th of February. On the day she just says happy birthday and buys me cake. And doesnt care
anymore. Every time i see other kids having birthday parties and getting presents from friends and family. I have only had one present from my parents and that was my dad when I was very young. And never again did they buy me anything. Nobody in my family did. Only my other cousin she bought me a watch and she was the only one who cared. My mom allowed my sister to have a birthday party with her friends over without my father even knowing. But when I ask to just have a sleep over with 2 friends she says no. I ask to go to gold reef city with 2 friends she says no. Just a day where I can invite them over she says no. What can I do on this earth other than do what she wants me to do.
It's either I do things in secret and she doesn't find out or I don't do anything at all. From now on I won't even talk to them except my sister. I won't walk out of my room. Only when I go to the bathroom or get some porrige and eat it in my room or make tea only will i leave my room other than those I will stay I'm here. I won't even go to church but i have a reason why I dont like that church. Their teaching are again the bible. The bible says what they are doing is wrong and if I tell my parwnts they won't do anything about it. So I don't bother. I don't want to go to church tomorrow. I will just take my bible and read in bed. I won't go to church I will not be forced to go to a place were they bad mouth the bible. They say this and this you must do this and that. I will do no such.
But it's not like I have a choice but tomorrow I promise you I'm not going to church tomorrow.
Even if they force me and try hit me, I will let them hit me but not let them force me to go. They better hope that I won't let it all out. That tomorrow won't be my final day. They better pray.
I won't even bother reading this again .i dont want to think about my parents anymore.
I don't even have anyone to talk to. My friend whom I thought was my friend doesn't like me any more for some reason and j don't like her too because she is very judgmental and thinks because she reads the bible she is always right about things. And now she went to her old friends and I don't care about her anymore. I was so addicted to her I would even go sleepover or she would come over just for the day. My parents loved her but i was blind. I loved her so much and thought of her as an angel but she is the same as everybody else. Bad person who thinks so good about herself snd says bad things about others.
My other friend she is going through her own problems since her grandmother died so I don't want her to be worrying about me.
My other friend she is also going through things with her sister who smokes and does drug he so I don't want to bother her.
My other friend who i loved so much turned out to be a liar and she will tell people about me and she is judgemental.
My oldest sister who i dont live with she will end up telling my mom and I don't want her to know.
My cousin who used to live with me she is gonna judge me and tell my mother.
My grandmother is gonna tell my mother.
Other people in my family I'm not comfortable talking to because they are not close to me and I feel like they don't like me.
My other friends are just gonna feel pity for me and I don't want their pity. I don't care about them anymore.
I have no one to talk to and no one to cry to. I am writing this because it will be my only way to let it out.
If anybody is reading this it means you are a person who i was thinking about the whole time while typing this out. I was thinking about how you are going to react. And I am showing you is knowing you won't judge me and think oh this girl is such a dramatic and seeks attention.
I have another person who i known i can talk to. I'm not really close to him but i love him with my whole heart. He is my friend's sister's friend. He is 21 and he is like a father to me. I even call him papa. His name is Siya. He always makes me smile and I would like him to read this but first I want who ever is reading this to read it first before anyone else. Soon, not so long from now, I'm going to send this to Siya. Luckily I got his number so I can talk to him. He is always there to help my friend who lost her grandmother. Siya is a great peron and I love him very much.
This is all I'm writings today.
Naledi Mokgopo
Saturday 25 February 2017
From around 18: 30 - 19:47
I hope God has placed a rainbow after this storm...
