Its beyond late at night when it usually starts. It comes as a light feeling, innocuously growing inside the mouth of your stomach, spinning in circles without giving a sign of its existance.
But it grows, it becomes larger and causes pain.
Loneliness is what dictates how you should feel further on. Am I lying to myself if I let slip a smile from satisfaction from time to time? Am I dead, if I can't get to feel what I used to for life? Maybe I accomplished my 16 year old dream, and I'm no more than a ghost.
But I've gone through so many things now that would leave my 16 year old in a pool of tears. I'm not that person anymore. And I'm sometimes guilty of wishing that person didn't exist, wanting that person to be me. But past can't be changed.
I'm lonely and overworked, not sure which is worse, but they walk together by my side like ghosts. And as ghosts they talk me out of rests, of good times, of work breaks. They whisper (shout) to me, demanding more to be done.
I can't reach more.
I have circles under my eyes.
My life depends on how much work I've done in a day.
Sleep.
Eat.
Repeat.
The world keeps moving except me. I overwork, but I get nothing.
I want to cry.
I want to sleep.
I want to die.
