Dear Person...

Letter 1

(I know this has been posted before)

Dad I know you're never going to read this but just in case.

You want to know why I shut down:

I shut down because I'm afraid. I'm afraid of you when you yell and get angry. If I ask you about the time you threw me into a wall, you'll deny ever doing that. I was 7 and hit my head on my head on my bedpost. If I ask you about the time you yelled at me and called me blind and said I'm too young to understand what I see with my eyes all because I simply laughed at something you did, you'll deny that too. I was 13 and you were taking me to school. You asked me tonight why I shut down and what upsets me. Yeah, I moved away from my friends and my friend moved away from me, but that's not the only thing. I told you that. You asked what else is upsetting me. I wanted to tell you but I was choking on my own words. I'm upset all the time because of stress. Stress on top of the amount of self loathing that I have is killing me. You'll get my phone back next week. I'm failing English. Why am I failing? Because I don't get to escape. You tell me I use my phone to escape and I do. It's the only thing I've got other than music. Mum, you say I'm only happy near you when music is playing. You don't understand. That first beat makes me forget. It makes me forget everything. Each song tells a story. I focus on the story as an escape. But back to you Dad. You're disappointed in me. I know. You say you want me to do what makes me happy. You never said that in the past 15, almost 16 years. You said there's no point in trying to be perfect. You conditioned me to strive for perfect. You raised me to respect authority and respond to fear tactics. You raised me to focus on one goal that you set for me. "I never wanted you to be a doctor." Liar. You have always wanted that for me. You ask what I want to do with my life but I don't know.

The effects of that and the bullying, harassment, and other things I have gone through taught me one thing:

To show emotion is to be weak.

So Dad, I shut down because I don't want to seem weak. You go away for days to weeks at a time and Hannah can't always take care of us. I raised Danica and Eliza. I have to seem strong so that they don't have to fear you like I do.

I know you'll never read this and to whoever does, I'm sorry.