Headlights

Home

In the night, headlights call my name. When they go by, I can hear my name being whispered as they go by. It's a scary thing, being like this. These thoughts that race faster than racecars. I always thought about things like this. What would've happened if I wasn't born? If I had succeeded at my attempts. I'm better now, though. I'm in the backseat as my father drives me home from my therapist appointment. This was my first time going and I promised to do better so I wouldn't have to go back. Also, I know one person who would miss me, but they live in another state. We video chat, and text, and call each other. She's pretty cool. Her name is Ashton. She's not like other girls. She's into the paranormal, and creepy things like I am. I got into this by being who I am. Not right in the head. I'm better, now. Much better. In my opinion. It's so dark outside right now, the street lights seem too bright to me. I close my eyes, trying to fall asleep. It isn't working. I'm awake with my eyes closed, basically. Maybe I should text her, but she might be asleep. She's only an hour ahead of me where she's from. She's a great friend. She's the main person that let me feel confident enough to get help. Nothing is going to change, though, but I promised to do better. I promised her, so I will only reach her expectations. I don't care about what anyone else has to say to me. I don't care that they tell me she isn't real. It doesn't matter. She is real. She does care. I'm starting to fall asleep, now, thankfully...

We get home, my dad wakes me from the backseat. I sit up, wiping my mouth from the bit of drool. I unbuckle, getting out of the car and heading to the front door of my home. I couldn't wait to be in bed sleeping instead of that uncomfortable seat. I don't have school tomorrow, so I can sleep in. As usual, though, I stayed awake. I couldn't sleep most of the time. I always thought about stupid things like who or what I really am. I guess I'm just never satisfied with who I am. I might never be satisfied. I guess I'm falling asleep now...

I jolted awake to the sound of my name. I shook my head, realizing it was in my dream. My parents were away today, both on a work trip. At least, that's what they told me. I couldn't fall asleep again, so I checked the time. It was nine forty-five. A bit early for me. I looked at my window that allowed the sunlight to sneak in through the blinds. How dare them. The sun and the window never really liked me, always waking me every morning I'm allowed to sleep in. I decided to let them win. This time, at least. I went over to my work desk where I write papers and lists and other things. I sat there, the window now in my face. I opened the blinds, the sun taking this opportunity to spill into my room like a flood. My eyes had to adjust for a second as I sat in my chair. I opened a journal, and opened up a compartment in the desk next to my chair. I pulled out a bag of pens, pencils, and markers. I opened the journal to a blank page and opened the bag and took out a pencil. I sighed, relaxing, and began drawing. It was no one in particular, just a random person that came to mind. The appearance, that is. I thought of myself as a drew. A me that could exist if I let them exist. I continued drawing. I wasn't a perfect artist. Most of what I drew looked like little chibi things. I guess I liked the way they looked, to an extent. Sometimes I despised the drawing and crumpled them to feed to the fire in the living room.
My phone rang, and I stood up to get it. The ringing stopped, so I stopped. Must've been a wrong number. I sat back down, the phone ringing again. I jolted up this time, reaching for it on my bed, and it stopped. I grabbed it and brought it to the desk with me. I saw it next to me, and let it sit there. It sat there quietly. Taunting me. I hated it. I hated this so much.