Saganaki

Quentin Coldwater brooded sexily as he pondered sexy magic thoughts. As the established protagonist, much was known about him. He was a brooder. He was sexy. And, of course, he loved magic. Also other fun stuff, like being good at tennis, but that's neither here nor there.

Other students at Brakebills University milled about around Quentin. There were short ones. There were tall ones. There were thin ones. There were fat ones. There were carbon-polluting ones. There were conscientious ones who took the time to place used tissues into paper recycling bins. Sure, they didn't really know if the paper could be separated from the snot and therefore harvested to make a fine cardboard box, but that wasn't really the point. They cared enough to try, dammit. However, amidst all of the faces, a fresh one appeared on the scene.

"I'm Anastasia Papakonstantinidis," said Anastasia Papakonstantinidis. "I just transferred from Greece University, but I speak English very nicely. Therefore, if there are ever any English-only contests, you can rest easy, as we won't be disqualified. I'm glad we got that out of the way. Is there anyone here who can teach me the ways of this school and sexy upstate New York life?"

Quentin had been in a mood. A Beast was terrorizing Brakebills University, and he was at a loss for how to stop him. But when Quentin heard Anastasia speak, he stopped brooding – one of the three things he was best known for. His head snapped up, as did his eyes. It would've been awkward otherwise. Then he saw what he desired, but did not know he needed: a new, beautiful student from a distant land. Anastasia was captivating. Her hair clung to her head like a wet napkin on a basketball. Her eyelashes fluttered like sizzling pork chops on medium high heat. Her elbows were fully functional. She had it all.

Quentin strode over and introduced himself to Anastasia.

"Hi-eeeee!!!" he said.

"Umm, hi," she replied.

Their connection was instant. The chemistry was undeniable. Then Quentin showed her his magic wand. She was impressed, like a fishmonger seeing a really big fish. Later, they emerged from Quentin's bedroom with a plan. This time, Anastasia was going to take the lead. She knew strange, foreign spells that might defeat The Beast. But first they would have to seduce The Beast out from the darkness.

"Let's go to the cafeteria," Anastasia said. "We need to make cheese. Lots of it."

"But why?" Quentin asked.

"It's part of my spell, remember?"

"Oh, that's clever. Is The Beast lactose intolerant or something?"

"Just hand me the milk."

Quentin did as he was told. Then, several months passed and the milk coagulated, sexily.

"So what have you been up to, Quentin?"

"Oh, playing tennis mostly."

"I didn't know that you played."

"Yeah, most people don't. How does the cheese look?"

"Great. Spread it throughout the cafeteria."

Quentin and Anastasia got to work. Cheese was strewn across the floor, to the left and to the right. Cheese was taped to the ceiling and walls. And finally, Anastasia placed a small square in the center of the room.

"What are we doing with all of this cheese, anyway?" asked Quentin.

"Making saganaki," answered Anastasia.

"Sounds Japanese."

"It's Greek."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Well, it sounds Japanese. I'm pretty sure it's Japanese."

Anastasia found Quentin's stupidity to be irresistible. She escorted him to the Brakebills' tennis courts where they did sexy stuff under the stars. Then they reentered the cafeteria. Anastasia called out to Quentin, "Step back! It's time for the spell!" She cleared her throat, and speaking lower and slower than Barry White on Valium, she recited the magic words: "Saganaki in the center. Evil creatures beware. Light this saganaki. It's time for a scare!" Anastasia pointed her index finger at the cheese in the middle of the room, and it caught fire. Opa!

Quentin was delighted – but confused – by the spectacle. "So how is this part of your plan again?" he asked.

"Well, let me ask you this," said Anastasia. "What does The Beast look like?"

"I'll answer your question with a question. How much wood can a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"

Anastasia bit down on her finger, suppressing the erotic fervor percolating within her, and pressed on, answering her question instead of his. "The last time you saw him, his face was obscured by moths, right? Thousands of moths. Well, if you want to attract moths to a flame, there's nothing better than a little flambè."

As if on cue, the cafeteria door swung open, and in walked The Beast! He was an imposing figure. His footsteps clapped upon the linoleum floor loudly, and Quentin and Anastasia felt vibrations from across the room. As if peering at the flaming cheese, The Beast bent over at the waist. He was studying it as a miasma of moths hovered above his body.

Quentin stood, mouth agape, in awe of the mystical creature. A rebellious moth flitted across the room and brushed against Quentin's tongue. "Gross," he said. Gross, indeed. Indubitably gross. "I wish the moths would stay closer to him."

"Oh, but that's not the idea at all," Anastasia responded. "Let's cast these moths aside, and so we can see more of him than ever before!" She stretched out her arms and sucked in a deep breath. Then, lower and slower than James Earl Jones on Quaaludes, she uttered another spell: "Saganaki on the outside. Get bright like the sun. Show yourself, Beast. You cannot run!" As the last syllable exited her lips, the cheese encircling the room burst into flames!

The moths were no longer floating above The Beast's neck. Instead, they separated, rushing to the perimeter of the cafeteria, in pursuit of the light. The Beast was left horrified and exposed. He shrieked like a girl meeting her musical crush, but like, if she wasn't even happy about it. Like if the girl was agoraphobic or something.

It was then that Quentin and Anastasia witnessed The Beast's true face. It was John Stamos, and he was pissed.

Anastasia couldn't believe it. "The Greek God," she uttered, but she could say no more.

John Stamos roared like only a 1980s sitcom legend can. "DIE!!!!" He summoned gobs of fiery cheese into his hands, and then hurled the flaming fistfuls towards Quentin and Anastasia.

They were too stunned to fight back, and so they did the next best thing – they fled. They valiantly high-tailed it out the back door, jumped on Quentin's tandem bicycle, and pedaled away in triumph. Indeed, for the next time they would meet The Beast, they would be armed with valuable information. In the end, Quentin and Anastasia might lose the war, but at least they had won this battle.

The next night, they did it again on the tennis courts. It was awesome.