I love hurting myself.
Really I do.
I love the feeling of the long drag off of a cigarette,
The burn it gives my lungs slowly choking me taking minutes off of my life.
Every drink I mix and every pill I abuse,
Killing my liver in hopes it'll one day stop functioning.
Picking fights with people twice my size,
Knowing damn well it'll just end with me in the hospital.
Sleeping little and eating less so my body becomes weak.
I live for the burning feeling of a box cutter to my thighs.
I always hurt myself in ways that isn't visible to others.
I don't do it for the pity or attention,
But because I am crying for help that I so desperately need
But I don't want to seek that help and be labeled as crazy and it is the only alternative I know.
I love hurting myself,
Because when I hurt myself it's giving me control.
Knowing that the pain I feel isn't from my friends cancelling plans on me,
That the feeling is not from me not having money, not being pretty, average weight, or talented.
It isn't the feeling of me falling so helplessly in love with someone who will never love me back.
Hurting myself is a personal victory,
Knowing that I have power over the pain for once.
