I don't get the weird butterfly feeling when I like someone. I thought I did, at least I thought I used to. That weird feeling in my stomach when a boy told me he liked me. Or when he tried to hold my hand. When he would put his arm around me. And weird pit in my stomach. I thought it was butterflies. I told myself that it must be because I really liked him. And this is what it felt like when you adored him. I can love so easily. I can throw the word out like confetti. Tell someone that they mean a lot to me and that I love them. And it's true. I do love them. But not in the way that makes you want to buy a house together and struggle with bills together. Not in the way that you would want to drive out late at night just to see the stars. I love giving people my affection. I think it makes them happier. But it doesn't. It makes pulling away harder. Because I never loved them in the way they wanted. So I kept telling myself that the weird feeling in my stomach was how you were supposed to feel when a boy likes you. But you showed me that it wasn't. You gave me something new. I never felt it before. Yes, I had loved someone. And I gave them my heart. But this was different. This felt like being on a cloud, but also felt like being stabbed by nails. Because talking to you made me realize something. It was never about finding the right boy, or making sure that he treated me like a gentlemen. Love isn't about trying to find a chemical connection between a bunch of hormonal teens. It was about loving a person so much that it physically hurts when you are away. When you can't watch a movie without thinking of them being there. When you can't picture yourself in the future without them being by your side. When you wake up and text them before brushing your teeth. I finally understood what butterflies were meant to feel like. They felt like energy surges shooting in your brain. And bouncing off the tips of your fingers. When your cheeks hurt from smiling. That feeling when you look at them and you can't think of anything more beautiful in the whole wide world. When you admire them like they had hung the stars. And when you look back on who you used to be, you wonder how you lived without them. Without their smile. Like you've found the missing piece. You know you've got it bad when you are driving late at night with nothing else on your mind but them. The way their hair falls naturally. The way they giggle a little when they say your name. That's what love is supposed to feel like.
