Madison Carter's life beyond the public eye

Madison Carter's life beyond the public eye

     Hi, I am 17 year old Madison Carter. I lived a "fantasy life or a rich life" as people so call see my life. People ask "why are you so upset and depressed all the time when you get absolutely everything you could ever want?".....At this point I will just look at them and walk away because, I don't feel like explaining my life story every 5 seconds. Well to put an end to it all here is my life beyond what everyone else sees.
     I my biological father Maysson abandoned me at birth. I have lived with my biological mother since birth. Yes it was hard but, I thought I had my best friend my mom. As time went on I found another best friend my grandfather. I loved going to his farm and riding in the back of our horse and buggy. I would spend weeks there spending time on the farm as a little girl. He eventually sold his animals so he and my grandmother could travel as they pleased. At the age of 8 my grandfather got sick and passed away. I will always struggle with the fact that he is gone.
     A few years past and my life began to fall apart. My moms husband Caleb began to abuse me. Once my mom and family found out I was constantly getting questioned if it was even true. I constantly told that it could destroy the family if it was not true.  I started questioning my family. "Like did they even trust me anymore?" I was so confused and scared of what was going to happen to not only myself but, my siblings as well. As an 11 year old I was terrified out of my mind going through this emotional situation. After about a week of having many discussions Caleb got kicked out. A year later I was left unstable.
      As I went through my middle school years my grades began to fall I was letting the bullying get to me. I was letting it tear me down mentally. After another year of being bullied I finally started to make some friends well one of them wasn't necessarily my friend after months of hanging out around the neighborhood. He just wanted sex like every other guy. I constantly kept telling him "no". "I don't want to." "Don't you have a girlfriend?" "Why are you asking me?" He eventually stopped for a while. I thought he had got over it and moved on. Well I was definitely wrong. He attempted to rape me not only in the woods but, in my house. I was terrified to tell anyone. I kept it to myself for about 3 years. I was completely destroyed mentally and emotionally I didn't know what to expect when I went back to school the next day. The bullying didn't stop and I still had to see him every single day. I was tired of walking home from the bus stop every day crying because, of being bullied. As I walk home I had to mentally prepare myself for what could possibly happen tonight. I didn't know if it was going to be a quite good night or a night full of yelling, screaming, and fighting. My mom Anabelle was constantly screaming and yelling at me for things I had no control of or for being bullied. Me being bullied I can't control either. I try my best not to say anything back and I just praying that they will leave me alone.  I couldn't get a break whether it was at school or at home.
      As things got worse at home it started to tear me down from the age of 12 to today. I eventually started to build up a wall that I couldn't take down and each night it was getting stronger and taller. It went from being threatened to have my head smashed through a fish tank, being stabbed with a fork, being arrested, being kicked out of the house, beaten to a pulp, having a cinder block thrown at my head, and told to go kill yourself but, that was just the beginning of what really happened behind close doors. I realized I wasn't close to people as I thought I was.
     Maysson tried to come back into my life at the age of 15. He not only bought me a thousand dollar pair of shoes but, he came to visit for a few days.....I was terrified of what could of happened. I have had nightmares of him because, I didn't know him so I didn't know what he was capable of doing. He took me out the day after he got there. It was an ok night out. Shortly after he left he was asking me what I wanted to do the next day. Well let's just say when the next day came and he asked what we were doing again even after being told what I wanted to do he got mad because, I didn't want to do what he wanted to do. Like you can't ask me the night before what I want to and then change my plans and expect me not to want to go out after that. After all of that happened he decided to leave and not say anything so I shut him out again for years. I felt like he was just trying to buy me back into his life. You can't just get somebody back into your life with materialistic things and money; it's just not going to happen.
     The holiday season was finally here. Everyone is enjoying their time with there family and friends like every year. Well this year went a lot different. I finally got to meet my cousin. I wasn't able to meet him last time I was in his area because, he was working on getting signed with a major record label in Miami, Florida. He came into town for the holidays while he was off of work. It was some of the best days of my life...well so I thought. He molested me in my own house. I was only 15. Every flashback possible from when I was 12 came back. I was terrified that he was going to attempt to rape me. I didn't know what to do. The only thing that I did know was that I had to act like nothing happened for the next few days that he was here. I knew that if I said something nobody would believe that it happened so I just kept my mouth shut and didn't say a word about it. Once we came back to school from break that was still the only thing going through my head I had to tell somebody I just didn't know who. I started balling my eyes out and went and told one of the teachers that I knew I could trust. I went and made a report but, just as I knew. It was going to have to go back to my parents. The school called my parents and told them what happened. Like I figured it was going to be a crazy night filled with sadness, confusion, and anger. Everything was thrown back in me because, I didn't say anything when it happened. Could you not of put yourself in my shoes of how scared I was. I didn't know how to tell you something like that. I didn't know how you where going to react. Like you could of at least tried to understand where I was coming from.
      As time went on I became extremely depressed and suicidal at the age of 16. I started to self harm to numb the pain of being bullied at school and then coming home to being yelled for absolutely everything in the world possible whether it was my fault or not it became my fault. I would go to school hiding the scars of pain with my jackets. People eventually found out once the temperatures started to rise. I would get told "you don't have a reason to be self harming", " your just doing that for attention", "your just trying to show off that you cut yourself". I would hurt even more knowing that I am being bullied for suffering with this mental illness. If I wanted to show it off I would have just posted it on social media and told everyone. I wouldn't have bothered trying to cover them up with my jackets. You can't continue to talk down a pawn someone and expect you to stop them from self harming. You are just going to make it worse. As the bullying continued I became more and more depressed which eventually lead to me becoming suicidal. I attempted to take my own life. I didn't want to deal with it anymore. I ended up not succeeding. Over time of healing and recovery I ended up going back to school. I expected for this year to be some what better since I know people now. I was most definitely wrong about that. I began to be threatened to be jumped, punched in the throat, and suspended. I not only reported the threats but, many others did as well. I had the support team of other students but, I didn't have any teachers, counselors, or principals on my side supporting the issue. The school wouldn't take me seriously. It got to the point where we were about to fight in the girls locker room. My mom pulled me out the next day because, I had been suspended. After going to school the next day to finish finals I found out the bully didn't get into trouble at all. It crushed me I was beyond angry I was glad to be getting pulled out of school. It sucked because, everyone was saying that I had been ran off and I was scared. It went from verbal bullying to cyber bullying. Everything eventually died down and wasn't spoken of again.
       I had became homeschooled after being pulled out of public schools for good. With being homeschooled your stuck in the house all day everyday unless you work or are in sports. Which for me I couldn't get a job I started putting in applications as soon as I turned 16 and now I am 17 still without a job. Sports are out of the window. I am to old for the city leagues and I would have to go to a public school to even consider being on a sports team. Since I wasn't in either one I was screwed on getting out of the house much at all. 24/7 I am stuck in a house full of drama and negativity. I can take being threatened and talked down on every single day and all day long of my life. I knew at some point I had to get out of here otherwise they were going to kill me emotionally, mentally, and possibly physically. I tried to stay strong like my best friends Scarlett, Briella, and Kayleigh always tell me. One night things got beyond out of hand and I couldn't handle it anymore. I don't have a job, no money, and no where to go. I didn't see any way out any time soon. I couldn't live there anymore. I felt beyond useless and like I no longer had a purpose in this world. I felt like a burden to anyone I spoke to. I knew the only way out was suicide. So I attempted suicide that night. I eventually reached out for help the next day after not succeeding again and tried to get taken in to the hospital but, that was a fail again.
     My life isn't a fantasy like everyone thinks it is. We are not rich like you think we are. We are living pay check to pay check just like a lot of people are. My life isn't perfect. I won't be able to ever recover from the things that have not only been done to me but, that I have done to myself. I love you all and this is Madison Carter's life beyond the public eye.