Paper Toads and a Hundred Roses | Lee Sung Kyung & Nam Joo Hyuk

9. Am I Alive?

"I-" I start but the words leave me as I shake my head and just relish the feeling of his face against my skin. "Joo Hyuk-"

"I was so close to losing you," he speaks above my voice, wiping the tears from his eyes although they persist on falling. I try to scoot closer but couldn't because of the pain from my leg. He's suddenly alert at the sight of my face contorting in pain and moves his chair closer instead. "Stop straining yourself," he scolds as I sadly smile at how he could still be mad at me in a moment like this. He reaches out to pull the sheets higher up my torso.

"Are you mad at me?"

He takes a hold of my hand and caresses the skin with his thumb, shaking his head. I let the silence consume the atmosphere, wanting him to speak and he does. "I was so calm when they wheeled the stretcher in. I was prepared to give the necessary treatment," he pauses and I already know what he's going to say. "-until I saw you lying there motionless, your eyes closed and a nurse giving you CPR," he diverts his gaze from my hand and looks outside the window, the tears pushing themselves out of his eyes. "You scared me so much," he whispers as he covers his mouth with his hand and lets a tiny sob out. It pains me so much to see him like this all because of me. He makes it appear as if this was the hardest thing that he has ever gone through. His shoulders are starting to shake, his hand's grip growing tighter. He rests his head against our clasped hands and lets himself cry and I cry with him. I was also on the brink of losing him. The thought just puts so much strain on my heart. He pulls his head up and lifts my hand to kiss it. I hate seeing him like this. "I thought-"

"Joo Hyuk-"

"I thought you were going to die," he sobs, covering his mouth again. He moves even closer as if he was going to get pulled away from me any second. "There was so much blood and I could plainly see the life being sucked out of you,"

"Stop-"

"I didn't know what to do. All the years of studying and training became nothing in that split second. And the very thought that came inside my head was that I couldn't just watch you like that," he pauses to look directly at me with teary eyes. He looked hurt and that's when I realized that this man sees me as his entire world even when I didn't treat him the same. "But I did." The truth of what he said came crashing down on the both of us, bringing more pain and more suffering. His hold on my hand is my only source of strength as he fills me with everything that I tried to have him avoid feeling. "Another doctor needed to take over because you were having a concussion. You were out for three whole days and I just couldn't focus on doing anything."

"Stop hurting your-"

"So I kept going by your room every three hours despite them telling me that you were going to live," he runs a hand through his hair as if he was so lost and I found myself feeling the same. I was so lost in his intense love for me. I was so lost in his words and his eyes and the depths of his heart. I wanted to drown in him, fill every space of me with his scent, his gaze and his smile. I love him so. "I didn't want to believe them until I actually see your eyes open. And now," he doesn't even finish his sentence as he just bends to kiss my hand multiple times as if he was convincing himself that I really am here. I squeeze his hand to reassure him and just let him say everything he has to. "I'm so relieved, so fucking relieved."

"I'm sorry," I sob, my voice so hoarse but I didn't have the time to bother asking for water. The most important aspect of my life is sitting right in front of me, crying his eyes out because he almost lost the woman who kept setting him aside. "I was rushing because I thought you were leaving. I wasn't thinking straight."

"I hate myself for even thinking of going through with that plan," he says. "I can't believe I almost left you again just because I couldn't handle it," he sniffs and reaches out to wipe my tears. "I promise you, I will never run. I'll always be here even if you don't want me to," that made me cry even more as I realize that I've been wrong about thinking the worst of him to be true. "I will never complain even if you decide to get mad at me for no reason. I will never complain even if you burn the fucking toast every morning. I will never complain even if you change the channel without asking me if it's okay. I will never complain because I love you," he looks at me with so much sincerity that I fear my other leg would feel weaker than the injured one. "I love you so fucking much," he whispers and stands up to kiss me as I let him.

His lips move against mine in a dance of equal parts gentleness and equal parts intensity. My bruises are forgotten as my mind was only filled with how I wanted this for so many days, thought about it at every waking moment. His hand makes its way to the back of my neck, his fingers knitting through my hair. It wasn't in an environment that I imagined but I craved for it all the same. He tilts my head to the other side, our noses gently bumping against each other, our lips fitting perfectly like two pieces of a puzzle. It was like a painting filled with strokes of light and bold colors. It was hot and cold combined to produce an epiphany of utter bliss. It felt wonderful. I felt complete.

At that very moment, despite the bandages over my limbs and my inability to properly reciprocate, everything was perfect. Everything's as it should be even when he detaches his lips from mine and just stares at me with so much love. For the first time in the entire year that we've been apart, I felt it all.

I let go of the pain.

I let go of the fear.

I let go of every remaining worry.

"I love you," I say and just look at him like how he deserves to be looked at. His hand remained on my cheek as I smile at him. There's a lot that I still want to say, but I'll give him this day to indulge me with everything he wants to tell me. Because now, I'm sure of one thing.

We finally have the rest of our lives.