Paper Toads and a Hundred Roses | Lee Sung Kyung & Nam Joo Hyuk

7. Are We Okay?

"Why didn't you consider it?" I ask, looking at him intently although I didn't want to do anything else but cry.

He just scoffs and it's obvious that he's pissed. "We need to stop asking each other fucking questions when we'll just leave them unanswered," he says and comes closer to me with his nose flaring and for a moment, I was scared of what he'll possibly do to me. "I refused and it was okay with Seohyun's father. But Seohyun threatened me. She told me that she'll expose you about how Joon Seo's a child out of wedlock. That'll ruin his fucking life, Sung Kyung! That'll ruin your life!"

"Why didn't you just marry her?" I say, my voice shaky as the tears gloss over my eyes. Although I was asking the same questions, I didn't care. I just want him to answer me. But I didn't have enough strength to keep fighting for this-to keep fighting for something that I couldn't properly have.

He looks at me with such a furious expression and I can't help but mimic it with the tears forming in my eyes. "Because I don't want her! I would rather live a life of you getting mad at me rather than a loveless marriage. I'd rather be married to you and all that rage that you have within you."

"You lied to them about that."

"You know damn well why," he breathes deeply and hangs his head, probably thinking and calming himself. So many things are going through my mind that it's starting to kill me. If he married Seohyun, Joon Seo would've been spared from having to live a life watching his back even if it means that I have to let Joo Hyuk go. I love Joo Hyuk but I love our son a little bit more. I would sacrifice everything I have just to keep him safe. But as I think about it, Joon Seo wouldn't be here without Joo Hyuk. And it has me torn. "Do you hate the thought of marrying me that much for you to torment me like this?" his voice was soft but menacing all the same. The pain was evident with every word and it has me feeling the same.

The question had me speechless. If you asked me yesterday, I would've given an answer without a hint of hesitation. But the occurrences for the past hours have been so painful that it's making me doubt my choices because I fear that I might end up making decisions out of emotions and impulse instead of rationality. But the thing that I hate most is having to suffer through people stripping me of the smallest amount of freedom that I have. I've restricted myself to the simplest pleasures of life. I'd expected a lot more from this man. "It's like you trapped me, Joo Hyuk," I finally say, looking at him with tearful eyes. "Now that you told everyone that I'm your wife, we need to really get married and-" I sniff, shaking my head and looking at the ground. "-something I expected from you was that you allow me to make my own choices." I look up at him.

His eyes were glossed over as he looked at me, the pain so visible in every feature of his face. I feel my heart being crushed at the rare sight of him like this. For six years, he's always been the wall that separates me from danger. He doesn't show a lot of emotion because he wants to be strong for me. But right now, the look on his face made the tears fall down even more and I hated myself for it. "You don't want to marry me?"

"I don't know," I throw my hands up just to drop them to my sides again. "It's so confusing to be with you. One moment I'm sure, the next I'm not," I come closer to him but I let him see a distant expression. "I hated you for doing that to Joon Seo," I cry. "I hated you for putting him in a position that he shouldn't be in," I say, pounding a fist on his chest but it doesn't move him the least bit. "I hated you for making me feel like that," I pound again. "I hate you so much. You should've just agreed to marry Seohyun." I whisper painfully, pounding on him again as his tear falls on my arm.

"It hurts me to see you so keen on giving me away," he says softly as I look up to find the rim of his eyes turning red. "Why do you want me to marry her?" he says, the pain radiating off of his voice but he makes no move to touch me.

I look at him, not knowing how to make him understand the reply that I'm about to give him. It hurts me to see him with someone else. But I also need to think about Joon Seo. "It's nothing but drama and problems in my side of the situation," I reply. "A lot of things are wrong with me. You'll live a miserable life with me." I bit my lip as I try to muffle my sobs but couldn't.

"If you would've asked me to choose before you said that," he rubs his face with both of his hands to get rid of the tears but the painful expression remained. "I would've chosen the miserable life," he grips my wrists and removes them from his chest. "I would've suffered through it as long as it was with you," he says and looks at me. He grabs a handkerchief from his pocket. He reaches up and wipes the tears streaming down my face. Time froze and I took the time to lavish in the contact that he made with me. So many things are standing between us, building up walls so high that we couldn't reach the top of it. I was so scared to lose him because of something we couldn't control. But now, I could feel him slipping from my fingers. As the fabric leaves my skin, I open my eyes to see him standing there. He was staring at me as if this was the last time that he'll be able to.

Then he leaves.

I cry harder as soon as I hear the door close. It finally dawned on me how I wasn't acknowledging the mistakes I made for the past few days. I was so attached to my anxiety and my worries that I didn't find the time to appreciate what was in front of me. I forgot to appreciate how he's making such a huge effort to keep me while I'm just here, accepting him as he comes and releasing him as he goes.

I've never felt so foolish.

Time ticked by.

The wind dried my tears.

It surprised me how I could still stand after sitting and crying for so long. But I found it in me to go down and meet my manager who ended up scolding me for making her worry. I feel too drained to talk to her so I didn't speak and let her tell me everything she wants before I asked if she could take me home.

As soon as I go through the front door of my house, dressed in fresh clothes, I'm relieved to see Joon Seo watching television with ajhumma. I give them a weak smile and settle next to my son on the couch. The lights were dim but I didn't mind. I have a lot to think about. I don't pay attention to the cartoons playing on the TV. I don't mind the laughter that comes out of my son's lips when something funny happens. I just look at him and think of everything that he reminds me of. I cry silently as ajhumma pats my hand, comforting me at the loss of everything that I didn't fight to keep.