Dear J,
Fuck you.
Fuck you for everything you've done.
I hate that I gave into you so easily, I hate that I gave you a year and nine months of my time.
I hate that I fell in love with you so quickly
I hate that I allowed myself to make a future with you
Only YOU tore it down.
You took me moving as a way to cheat so I wouldn't find you, then the second you hear that I'm with someone new, you tell everyone I cheated
I love how on our one year, you took me to Our special spot, and gave me a promise ring
I love how when you asked out Keke, you took her to that spot.
Does she know the history behind it?
Does she know what happened there, how beautiful I exclaimed it to be, how we laughed when I misplaced my foot and stepped straight into the small stream that ran though it?
Does she know that where she lays in your bed, I was there too? Does she feel in the mattress that it took form of my body? Does she know that when she wears vanilla perfume, it reminds you of me, not her?
Does she know about the fights and the tears and the smiles and laughs we've shared? Does she know that I took your virginity, and regretfully I know you have mine?
Do you know that I would do anything to get it back from you, because it wasn't one of those "we fucked and it felt good, but then I felt guilty so now it's a mistake"
It's one of those "I was in excruciating pain through the whole time, I couldn't speak, I was crying, and you could've looked down or opened your eyes to see that I wanted you to stop, but by the time it was too late, you had finished and I was sobbing"
Do you know that after that day, I didn't go home?
I called nana and poppy from Emily's house asking them to bring me some clothes and my charger, and that I would be back Sunday night?
Do you know that I cried all that weekend, that Emily's mom was the first of my friends moms to hug me and hold me and tell me everything was alright, and then Erikas mom came over with Erika and Christi came over and we had this huge support thing going on.
They didn't care that I made a mistake. That was the first time I prayed.
That's why my friends hated you
Everything you ever said was a lie, wasn't it?
All the "I love you"s
All the "I'll never hurt you "
You made my pain go away
It took so long for me to say the l word
You've made me unable to trust anyone
Every time I read something you said to me, I cry.
As much as I want to deny it, this break up has broken me
We're taught to hate in a world with a hateful society. We're taught to deal with our problems, push past them instead of getting the help we need
I had some problems, but so did you
I was trying to get help, and now that I am, so do you
I'm trying not to get caught up in the past, trying not to look at the memories that make me miss you
Congratulations.
You've broken every single promise you've ever made to me.
And as I said when you told me you loved me the very first time,
"But are you able to love someone who's so fucking addicted to pain and hurting themselves just to make sure the outside isn't as numb as the inside?"
Sincerely,
Someone who's afraid to love
