For Help

I was supposed to be happy.

Im panicking right now. Im so sad and depressed and i havent had an episode like this since 6th? 8th? Since middle school. I got so dizzy and tingly and my heart was beating so fast. I didnt want anyone to walk in but i knew my family was about to come up to say goodnight. So i guess i got depressed and then had a panic attack thinking about someone seeing me depressed. Classic.

I didnt have anywhere to "hide". I couldnt go in my closet because my family would suspect something and i couldnt go into my bathroom because i couldnt look at myself. I can't do anything. I have to do what i normally do and pretend im alright.

I dont think saying "dont worry papito" will make shit any better when i say i'm sad. What the hell am i supposed to say? I just said ok.

No one gives a fuck about my "story" it doesnt matter! Im gonna wright it here anyway because why not? No c, because youre a peice of shit that doesnt know what to do with your emotions.

Im shaking. I need actual help! Mom, help me! I need help! You know im depressed, i told you. Some unprescribed mood support vitamins wont help!!! Neither will pms pills Its more than pmdd I HAVE DEPRESSION MOM HELP ME PLEASE!
Talking wont help forever, a hug wont, advice wont, herbal tea wont, exercise wont, THINKING HAPPY THOUGHTS WONT, SHRUGGING IT OFF MOM WILL NOT HELP!

Its not like i hate myself. I dont i think im a great person and i think i can and do help alot of people. No one cares to help me though because "she said she's fine" it doesnt fucking matter.

I feel like my friends dont wanna talk to me or laugh with me or acknowledge my existence. I think the friends i made online have much better constructed conversations without me. I think i ruin them by being late and i try to be included. Its not about me though it doesnt matter.

I think my real life friends just think my depression doesnt matter because we are all in the same boat. Even though i always try to help you guys. Not all of them do that though its fine we're all friends. I think my online friends dont care about me anymore, okay. I dont think they'll read this. If they do Im sorry guys.

Im having a relapse and it hurts. I was supposed to be happy.