Untitled

Untitled Part 1

I came to the United States not anticipating much; only wanting to visit my aunt, expecting the days to go by as they normally would - slow, uneventful, and dense. Of course I was wrong because I was soon able to realize that the United States is full of life and excitement. In Mali, my home city where there were people with kind faces, life was simple, easy, it was enough - living with family in a community where everyone knew who you were; it was nice. Holding on to the past and memory of my parents; two people I should hold dear to my soul, but can only imagine and fathom images of them in spirit because of their deaths, gives off a certain sense of loneliness so strong that it is almost inescapable. Alone and arriving in a new place without any true guidance, being only 15 years old, was extremely hard. Hearing unfamiliar sounds all around me, coming from the mouths of different kinds of people, feeling as if I were confined in my own bubble even though I was in such a marvelous place that is beyond my mind, was not easy either. Not knowing any English was challenging, when I was learning it, I had to focus on one word that I knew at a time and piece the conversation together from there. Although this was difficult, it was not the worst thing in the world.

Not speaking the language well was something that did make me feel like an outsider, but that was nothing in comparison to when I was pregnant in the eleventh grade. Where I come from and based on my religion, being pregnant before marriage was unacceptable - no, disgraceful. My grandmother who raised me was ashamed, neighbors in my community did not approve, and my aunt was disheartened. She beat me for it, but what could I do. Reporting her would "put her into trouble" and I didn't want that. Remembering my past creates a thickness in the air I breathe; suffocating me, closing off my lungs to the point of no escape - an exasperated last breath awaiting me. All of the hardships that I encountered being so young, the constraints of secrets I had to hold inside of myself causing a suffocating feeling in my body all in order to prevent my aunt from being put into trouble. The thought of my aunt getting sent back home or put into jail because of me was unbearable. I took the beatings, let her do what she thought was necessary. I understood it, she was upset, unwilling to accept the fact that I had gone against what she believed in. There was nothing I could do about that, I had to make a choice to forgive her and allow her to try and physically break me. I could not allow myself to get destroyed mentally though. To me, the whole purpose of living is to live happily without regrets, I was not going to let a mistake take me away from that. I knew that I could not let present pain interfere with my future. Right now, in the moment, that is what is most important; being aware of the future comes next. It is necessary to know that the present only lasts for a little while, the past will always stay in the past no matter what, but the future is what everyone strives towards like an endless clock that will never break - people need to see the light at the end of their sufferings. Being alive and able to hold on to what I feel, savoring the moments and memories of the past was most important. I could not allow my aunt to break me down at such a young age; after all I was about to have a child.

After having my child for a while, my aunt kicked me out of the house. The reminder that I had gotten pregnant before marriage was too surreal for her. I remember thinking to myself

"How could she do this to me?"

I knew that I could not forget this moment; I needed to make sure that I would never forget. My memory of that day is so vivid. It was winter time, the weather far too cold for a teenager and a small child to be outside, but the snowflakes were falling down softly from the faint sky like white feathers floating in the air, blowing in the wind. I looked up into the dreary blank canvas above me; it was like an endless abyss, then I turned towards my aunt again. I cried to her:

"Where am I to go? What do you expect me to do?"

She just looked at me and told me something I could not understand. Then she closed the door and I knew that this was only one of those present moments that would eventually become just another part of my past; a piece of my story that I will always remember. At the time, I felt alone, but not at all. I had my daughter "Salimata" with me; her name means prayer and peace. This is exactly what she represents for me. One of the sole things that I strive for in life; peace. Peace of mind, tranquility in my soul and happiness. That is all I need in a world where the feeling of being alone is there, but not at all overwhelming.

That was all a long time ago, a thing of the past; life is different now. Certain responsibilities have occurred for me. I now have two children by my husband who loves me sincerely. It took some time for my family to except my husband into their lives since he is the father of both of my children, but once they realized that nothing was in their control, life became easier for everyone. I try to do what is best for my family and keep my past traditions a part of their life. I do this by cooking my favorite dish from Mali, sauce d'épinard, as well as speaking and teaching my children French. It does kill me a little inside when "I am yelling at them in French saying "Tais-toi" and then they respond to me in English"; sometimes little things like that just make me upset. I feel that the main concern all Americans have includes working to pay bills; it's an endless cycle of working to make money, spending money to pay bills, paying bills just to live. This may be my only complaint about America.

Besides the way Americans conduct their society, there is nothing more in the world I want other than to continue to live here with my family to better our lives. "I am happy", content, and there is not anything more in the world that is more important to me than the happiness of my family as well as myself. To know how far I have come from Mali to here is so surreal to me; it feels as if I have just launched myself into outer space, gazing at the beautiful stars all around me, in my own little world where I can remain in a blissful state of mind forever; les étoiles beau.