How Does a Recluse Evolve?

11- The Storm begins

If the world ever wonders why... Why I choose to live like a recluse. It's because its safe and people have proven to me time and time again to be unsympathetic, not trustworthy and in general hurtful beyond words. I wonder all the time if there is any human kindness left in the world.

I had friends once, people I trusted and loved ones too... but when my life spun out of control the real reasons they were my friends shone through or maybe the reality is they were NEVER my friends or loved ones, maybe they never really cared at all. Maybe it was all fake... 

I used to think I loved them, loved our friendships and relationships and thought of them as wonderful people. When I was facing a divorce, cancer in the family, eventual death and my child's sickness - they changed and so did I. I watched, observed while they helped others and were so generous and sympathetic towards them in their trying times, but when it was me their words changed and the story was different and I will never know or understand why, or what I did to make them resent, hate, dislike, betray and change their character to be ugly and mean to me. I watched as they donated time off and allowed for time off during others peoples struggles, but for me - I was required and it was insisted I be at work, unnecessarily even at times - like just to spite me or something. Rude, snide comments would slip from their tongues and I wouldn't know what to say or how to respond as I was completely shocked. I can remember being made to work the Friday after thanksgiving, the last thanksgiving my family would see 'all' together as my dad was dying of cancer. 

I remember asking for a leave after I filed for a divorce and we realized my Dad's Cancer had spread into his brain and bones - I knew we as a family, me as a daughter wouldn't have much time left together. My leave was denied.... but the apts for his radiation and chemo continued and I would sneak away to go be with him, just for a rude co worker to call and say 'Where are you?' when they didn't really need me at all. Beside, as an employee I was entitled to breaks, which I rarely took, ever! They just wanted to tattle on me and get me in trouble or something. God it broke my heart!!!... I know they wanted me to leave... I know they hated that I worked there, but I was just trying to get through. I was passed over for a promotion for a system that I had invested and been educated on for over 7 years, they gave it to someone that they knew would be moving on, they openly admitted to it, someone that didn't even have the qualifications or background for the job... Workplace favorites!... Ugh. I used to be their favorite. 

So many things were said hateful, nasty mean things by so many people... When my kid was sick I didn't even want to take them there anymore for care, I was scared to death what their rude nasty attitudes and comments would do to my very sick child. I actually completed FMLA paperwork so that they couldn't fire me while I was taking my sick kid to the doctors, required appointments for their care. That was just ridiculous. God it hurt...I was just trying to be a good mom, take care of my kids and also do my job, help my mom with my dying father and maintain my own personal life and all of its obstacles. 

I remember asking them once why they said this or that to me..... and the ever popular 'Gas-lighting' approach came blaring out... they, she whomever I was asking would say... 'Oh That never happened, I never said that' ... To this day I wonder how they wake up and look at themselves in the mirror, how do they face the pain and damage they have done to just one little precious family that I thought they once cared about. It seemed like they cared about us, all three of us once anyways.  

The divorce was another story entirely a man, a cop.... someone the community was entrusting with lives, decisions and someone I used to value and loved and wanted a life with so much! I felt only betrayed and deceived by him... I should've been smarter, but I was in love. I don't know if he ever loved me, I think he did. I hate that I watched my Dad... dying of cancer and sadly holding (me) his little girl in his arms - because yet another man had lied and broke my heart as well as my families. I guess he didn't like me anymore because I wouldn't , couldn't comply, financially and emotionally I couldn't' give him what he wanted! Maybe it was all about him... I don't know... like so much of what happened I don't understand what I did to hurt him or make him not want to be with us or to not even try anymore. My kids loved him too and it broke their heart just like mine. I was hurting and my dad was dying and I'm sorry my husband at that time couldn't in some way grasp how devastating and painful that was, not to mention my oldest was very ill and suicidal. I don't ever want to see that man again, ever... and I hate visiting that town now as I don't feel safe there just knowing those are the people they trust to protect within that community. I never did understand how he managed to get that job, let alone keep it... he lied and they caught him and yet he still was given a badge. I don't understand that. I have a cousin who is in police work, so its not like I was or am against this profession or these folks that do this line of work. Quiet the opposite, I always felt I was very sympathetic for what I understood and what I knew they did and do. I always raised my kids with positive believes and values for them... my family, father included have numerously served in the military so I actually have more respect, honor and value then others  might think I do, or something. I just couldn't understand where he was coming from, how he ethically made heads or tales of some of his choices and decisions during that time.

I know blaming is not healthy and forgiveness is the key to my own happiness. I forgive what happened and its actually made me a better person, but I will never forget and I'm not really making excuses or blaming, I'm just a lot smarter and I know people are selfish and only do things for their benefit. I've gone on, stronger I am, faster too... I've also learned that the only person that can stand up for me and my family is ME and I will and I do! That was just the beginning of the 'horrible' human kindness fails. The nightmare continued for years...