There are times when you look into the past, opening the hidden door you kept so tightly locked. It was meant to stay closed, but life is so short you can't help but take a look inside from time to time. I tend to do that ever so often, looking back into the past of what was, and what will always remain. He was only ever in my dreams, in my fantasies. Yet he felt real, this boy I've never had the pleasure of meeting, haunts me to this day. I already know when my daughter asks me about love, I will tell her there are many kinds. Some that are so special they cannot remain.
I have a secret. I tell myself and I tell others I have never been in love. How could I be at such a young age? When I did not even know myself? But memories of that love do remain in my deepest core. I try so hard to tell myself I was naive, stupid, unrealistic for believing in this love. That it was all in my head, imagined by a lonely sheltered girl who was brought light by a boy miles away. Loneliness can make you believe many things. Loneliness can create an illusion.
Yet here I am, writing for the first time in more than a year, a response to a boy who may not be my destiny. I wonder if he'll ever see this, if I ever cross his mind like he does mine.
Jake, how long it has been since I have allowed myself to be honest. I am now almost twenty one years old and writing like this makes me feel like I am still that thirteen year old girl. This past year has been long, I have learned more about myself than I have in the time you have known me. I wish I had known then what I know now.
I have accepted now that we needed to part ways.
Time is a wonder. It truly is something that is both a blessing and a curse. By now you may be married, have a child. But I know going our separate ways was the only chance we really had at forever. All I knew then was how much I loved you. It wasn't enough but I wanted it to be.
We are still miles and miles apart. But now we are also strangers. It saddens me that we will probably never cross paths, that we will never actually know. I wish I could touch you just once, feel your heartbeat, so I know you are real. That what I felt for you was real.
I wish you only the best. I know your sister and father watch over you. You are going to be a great man one day, I knew it then, and I know it now. You will also be an incredible father. I would be lying if I said I am not jealous thinking of who your true love is now. I hope she takes the best care of you.
I will always hold onto our sweet memories, you will always be my thirteen year old's true love. That will never change. I hope it never will for your sixteen year old's self as well.
He is the only man I have never forgotten. One time was never able to erase.
