Thirteen

Chapter One

     When my mom first got sick, I kept telling myself that everything would be fine. I didn't really believe it, but it kept me in control. It kept me going. When she finally did die, I still had the same control. I didn't even let myself be sad.

     When I realized I would have to move away from all my friends to live with my grandma, I told myself it was fine. Despite knowing how hard it had been to make real friends, I told myself that I'd make new friends and that I'd be fine. Deep down, I didn't believe that either.

     I just couldn't let go of that perfect control! I kept at it day and night, never letting the mask slip.

     And then, it did.

     It all happened at once. The crying, the heartache, the insufferable pain. My grades slipped and people started asking questions. I tried desperately to brush it all off. I tried to perpetuate the idea that I was FINE!

     But the thing was, I wasn't. And I probably never was.

     So with no where else to go, I turned to Ayana, the only person I trusted enough to talk to. She was shocked, to say the least. Even though she had known about my mother,—it wasn't exactly a secret—, she hadn't noticed I had been struggling with it.

     At first, she felt bad for being so oblivious, but I reminded her of all the effort I had put into hiding it.
Soon after that, she became my best friend, and with her help, I started opening up to people more.

     Eighth grade ended pretty quickly and many of my classmates were excited to be going to highschool. I was more reluctant. I wasn't ready and the school I was going to sounded like a prison, but at least, I was going with Ayana, so we could stumble our way through our first year together.

     Or that's what I thought.

     The first month into summer vacation Ayana suddenly told me she'd be moving to another state. As pathetic as it sounds, I was devastated. But Ayana was happy to be moving away from her used-to-be step-family.

     And so, I went back to my old habits and forced myself to be happy for her. All the while telling myself, "I'll be fine."