as i sit here today i am unsure of who i am. as i say this i struggle to know what i am meant to do in my life. as i feel like how my life is playing out its not right. i feel like something is missing, and the dead beat job at the burger king across the 49er's truck stop doesn't help. but its a start, to kick my life in motion. i don't want to be living with my parents any longer. i feel like i'm compressed and nothing is going anywhere. but ill feel bad if i leave right now because my parents are struggling to pay rent and to put food on the table. even living in California is harder then it seems. so many people so many jobs that aren't getting us anywhere. where my dad have to work daily to get 19 dollars an hour at 50 years old. they retirement plan is to get a moter home to visit there kids and grand kids in Montana. to me it seems like that dream wont happen. i want to help but how can i help when i don't know who i am. one of my friends think i may have depression, and that i should go to a professional. but why? they'll probably proscribe me a drug that doesn't actually help, or be told to go to a therapist to talk it out. for what? for being a girl in the world who wants to help her parents but can't and who cant get the words off her chest that she wants to do something great? what can anyone do other then tell me what i already know? to be happy i need to make a change, first starting from with in, to Seattle with things i can and cant do. to do what i want and to show people i can. i'm not weak, or confused just impatient and what to be heard that i can handle things that get tossed my way. nowadays people get offend by the opinion of others but what does it matter that if someone doesn't think the same as you? nothing. because life doesn't revolve around one person it revolve around everyone. well to me and to the people around me i want the to be happy and i want to know why i am here, so i guess this went in a completely different direction then i was planning. but i cant change that its the thought process i have. i am a nineteen year old girl who feels the pain of everything around me. find calmness when i'm alone and with the dead, they tell a story not like a living person can tell. i like nature and i like people but i don't. i say i'm the walking contradiction because there is days were i want to interact and do different things then there is those days where i am who i usually am. its confusing am i don't like it. i will one day figure it out. and ill write about it like i am today.
01/7/2017
