DUNGEON CRAWL #BattleTheBeast

As they walked single-file  through the catacombs, Quentin was so excited he almost couldn't stand it.

"So, Margo, what class are you?"

Her scowl went unseen in the torchlight. "How do you not know that I'm a second-year, dummy?"

"We're skipping class," added Eliot. "Which I would have anyway, for this raging barbarian horde of a hangover," he muttered, rubbing the bridge of his nose. "Feels like a blackbelt kicked my brain in the junk."

"No, I mean, what character class," said Quentin. "We'd all have to be dual-class, obviously, since we're all magicians-"

"Honey, the only class I am is high," Margo interjected.

"No, class.  Haven't you guys ever played an RPG? Like, Kady's a rogue, since she stole the map we're using, and Julia's definitely a cleric, because she had the visitation from that harvest deity." He tapped Julia on the shoulder. "We need to find you a blunt weapon, Jules." She laughed politely.

"I heard 'high' and 'blunt' just now,' said Eliot, rapidly rolling his fingers together. "Pass it back, please."

"Will somebody please make the dragonmaster here stop talking?" snapped Penny.

"Oh, come on," said Quentin. "Our party is questing for a magical artifact in a creepy underground maze! We're on a classic dungeon crawl! Besides, it's 'Dungeon Master,' and I'm obviously a player character, so I can't be-"

"We're not on a 'dungeon crawl,'" interrupted Penny angrily. "We're in a horror movie, a mutant bug-headed killer sorcerer that has a vacation home in my head is trying to murder us, and the worst thing is that you'll be the one who survives, because you're the virgin."

"Hey, I'm not a virgin," protested Quentin.

"I'm in your head. I know you are."

"I'm not!" Quentin craned his neck to look behind him, pleading. "I believe it," said Margo, shrugging. "Me too," called Kady from the front. "Reee-eally," said Eliot, raising an eyebrow.

"Guys," said Julia. "Can we all just be quiet for a little while?"

Quentin complied, happy to narrate their adventure to himself.

"He's still doing it!" burst Penny, with genuine hatred. Inwardly, Quentin sighed. He had tried and tried, if for no other reason to make the psychic magician stop yelling at him constantly, but he couldn't seem to turn down his mind's volume from eleven, apparently.

"Well, try harder!" Penny cursed until Quentin winced. "Why is he even here?"

"Because you're roommates and he walked in while we were planning this," said Kady.

"Because we're not sure if we need four people for the spell, or five," said Margo.

"Because he's my best friend, and stop being such a dee-bag," said Julia.

"Because he's adorable," said Eliot. He walked closer to Margo. "Why are we here?" he whispered loudly.

"Because you said we wouldn't sneak them off campus unless we could come too."

"Ohhh." Eliot looked around at the rows of alcoves in the walls, each occupied by a shriveled, mummified corpse illuminated by the torch's orange light.  "But didn't they say they were going to Paris?"

"We're there, technically," said Julia. "We're in the catacombs underneath the city. Searching for a magical relic? That'll purge the Beast from Penny's mind for good? Is any of that ringing any bells?"