The Only Option Left

DEAR WORLD

"I am constantly torn between killing myself and killing everyone around me."

― David Levithan

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Dear World,

I am going to die.

I am leaving. I am tired of fighting. I am tired of struggling to survive. I have finally made a choice today. Yes, I give up.

Have you ever felt lonely in a crowd, claustrophobic when alone? Now I hate everything around me. I do not understand human beings any more. They are too complex for my silly brain. I do not know what sounds I need to make for them to like me, love me, trust me.

I am sad. I am tired. Helpless. Disillusioned. Paranoid. Unhappy. Sorry, it would not do justice if I just gave only one adjective to describe my hurt.

Words have become very confusing, so I'm staying primal.

Did I dream of a long life? A life filled with colours, snow and sun? Of abundance and generosity? Yes I did. A life where everyone loved me and everyone lauded me for how great I was. I gave speeches at large venues. Sometimes I made speeches with no audience too. Just for myself. I loved my voice. I loved how I was hopeful. About everything.

I told myself that if I just kept breathing, I would survive. I would get up the next day to see the glorious sun. Yes, I told myself.

I dreamt of distant worlds where angels lived alongside monsters. Only angels would have been boring. They would walk along holding hands and perhaps quarrel a few times. And I would be their Leader. From lions to kittens, every one of them would bow before me while I walked with my head held high. And everyone listened to my kind of music. I made sure everyone laughed. But, these wretched demons of the present breathed fire and destroyed my angels and marshmallow monsters (I like marshmallows:>). My happy worlds were destroyed. My dreams died. I don't know how to dream anymore.

How could you do this to me? I trusted you. I loved you. When I was with you I felt confident. My feelings surprised me. I have never been loved the way you loved me. I told you I was scared of being alone. I felt fearless with you around.

But you broke my trust. You broke my heart. You put yourself before me.

Perhaps I am destined to be unhappy and unloved. I really thought I could undo all that had gone wrong early in my life. I am a failure. Maybe that's why you left me.

Loser. Yes, I am.

The time has come to end this constant humiliation. I see only pain in my future. I need peace now. And I don't know any other way.

goodbye,

me