Heartless

Before it happened...

 Sweat drips down my face as I sprint down the field to try to make the winning goal until I feel someone wrap themselves around me from behind and tackle me to the ground. This was Him. We had known each other for years, since elementary school. He was the king and I was the queen and he had to save me. Years went on and as we watched each other grow and saw maturity occur. Feelings began to develop.

Ninth grade. We went to one of our first "high school parties". Funny enough it was my soon to be ex's house. We then climbed into the treehouse and gazed at the stars. He drew pictures on my skin. This was our first encounter. We stayed all night together up there. Then we both got very drunk. We found rides home and little might be expected, he came home with me. My best guy friend, my brother, was drunk in my house without my parents. Just me and him. I walked into my room, he followed. He leaned down to my chinchilla's cage and played with him but that night I saw him in a new light. After much drunken talks and laughs we found ourselves lying in my bed more close than usual. Before I knew it his lips were on mine. They were soft, he was my first kiss. What a classic movie scene. Best friends kiss each other for the first time. Gazing into eachother's eyes. More progressed but in short terms we did not have sex.

The next morning I woke up in a panic. I knew what I had done and I was terrified. I was in a big tee shirt, naked underneath, and in bed with my best friend with his arm around me. His steady breath in my ear as he slept. I ran to the bathroom and stared at myself in the mirror. When he woke up and wandered out I could see it on his face. Neither of us could believe what happened the night before. That's where it started. That night. My house. My bed. The car ride home was horrible. I had to drive Him to his car and we were both silent. All you could here was the soft spoken voice of a radio host morning talk show. When I pulled up to his car he wouldn't even look at me. He pulled away and I cried.

Every day we passed each other in the hall avoiding eye contact. Then slowly we pushed it to the side and forgot about it. He worked at a cupcake store. So I went up to visit him a lot, always getting free samples and hanging out. I went to work one time and helped him close up the shop. It was right before homecoming. I was walking to the kitchen when he grabbed me from behind and started dancing with me. I started laughing and dancing around. We were a mess. I fell into him at one moment and he held me, I looked into his eyes and I saw the passion. I can still see how they look. I think that's why it's so hard for me to see him as he now.

There were so many little coincidences of us seeing each other. There was another party and I was sitting in the backroom getting high with a few pals. I was dazed and confused when the door opened and my heart stopped, it was Him. We both got pretty twisted that night. At the time he had also gained a girlfriend. She was one of my acquaintances. He took me down to one of the bedrooms to have a talk. I had been hit by a guy and he wanted to talk to me about my standards and what I deserve. As I was crying in the room with him, our friends outside thought he was cheating on his girlfriend and let her know immediately. There went my friend.

No matter what, we always kept in touch. Whether we were facetiming, skyping, texting, hanging out, wherever we were we were talking. I listened to his problems and he listened to mine. We were there for eachother. To everyone else we told them we were like siblings, to each other, well it was a different story. We passed these looks. I'm not even sure how to describe it but it was one of the moments where you just knew.

I trusted Him with everything. I trusted him with my deepest and worst fears. Except I was a bad person. He still had a girlfriend and asked me for nudes. I sent them. I thought that I was in love with him. I thought this was my first love. I would do anything at all for this kid.