Neon Lights

I grabbed his wrist, they stopped. I took a quick glance at the girl, she seems nice, innocent. Just like me when he first showed me gratitude here also in this place. 

I returned my attention to him and touched his cheek.

"Never thought you're planning of having a threesome tonight." I smirked at him then to the girl who's now looking so confused, "Is she the girl? I bet she is." I smiled at the girl, "Nice get-up, by the way. Not too slutty, just the way I like." Then I winked at her after I checked her out. Flirting with the same sex is not my thing but I think I pulled that off smoothly. 

He suddenly caught my wrist and held it, firmly. It hurts but fuck, seeing him with another woman is more painful. 

"I don't know you, woman! Go away!" He whispered to me. 

I swear... I almost died.

Denying me? 

Sure, that hurts.

"Oh my god!" I said, trying to sound so surprised. "Did I fuck your brains out?! How come you don't recognize me anymore?! I'm the girl who deep throat you last night!" 

As much as I want to laugh because of my witty remarks, I wanna rush and go somewhere. Far away from here, far away from him and cry 'till I don't have fluids in my whole body anymore.

"Shit, what's this?!" His bitch finally said something.

He turned to the girl but the girl is already convinced that she's dating an asshole and is ready to run away.

"Babe, please. I don't know her--she's just--she's just trying to ruin us--god, don't believe her!" Babe, huh? Same endearment you've used to me.

I wanna cry. I wanna let it all out. I wanna flood this area with my tears. Just fuck. I can't because he's still in front of me and I need to be strong. I need to be tough. Therefore, I can't bawl like a little baby until they're out of my sight. It has been a whole fucking month, everybody's assuming that I've already recovered from the break-up. But hell no. How could I ever forget a heartbreak? How could I ever move on?

I'm lost. I lost my self to him. And now that's he's out of my life? I don't think I can ever recompose myself again.

"She's crazy--" He added and I cut him off.

"Yes, love. I'm crazy. Crazy for your dick." I giggled against his ear while touching his bulge and that made the girl to finally run away from the monster hiding beneath this perfect face of my ex-boyfriend.

He looked at me with his eyes full of anger. 

I never expected what he did next. 

"Bitch." He said to me right after he slapped me.

The pain is tolerable. I mean, I don't fucking feel so hurt, physically. I'm fine, outside. I'm perfect, outside. 

But inside, I'm all fucked up broken. Bleeding. Dying. It really hurts for me to breathe. And if I have a choice? I would gladly choose to stop breathing and just rest in peace. But life is a bitch, all people have to fuck.

I watched him as he walked away. Catching up with the girl he has been with a while ago. It hurts to see him go after her. Because he never did that to me. He just let me get out of his life. No stopping. No begging. He just... let me go. 

And it hurts.

It hurts I wanna die.

I decided to grab a drink at a bar near the first two I've been before. After drinking, I left the bar and enter a different bar again. The bouncer who is guarding the entrance almost didn't let me in. He asked if I'm already 18. I replied:

"I'm a seventeen year-old hormonal girl that needs to forget how much shit life dumped to me! And if you're not going to let me in, dude, I hope your conscience won't eat you up after seeing me on TV dead because of suicide." 

He let me in with his wide eyes.

Unlike the three I've entered a while ago, this is much wilder. The people, the music, the drinks, all of it. With a bottle of beer in my right hand, I joined the party and danced. I danced all the pain away even though I know for a fact that it won't really go away. It will always be there. It will always hurt me. 

But I need to escape. I need to escape from the pain. So here I am, dancing and getting wasted. 

I looked at the people surrounding me. They're all having fun. They're all smiling. And I wonder... is there at least a single person at this place who's feeling the same as me? A person who has been tormented like I was? Who has found this place to escape from all of his or her problems like me? I hope yes, because it's such a shame. Being the only one miserable. Being the only one. Being alone. It's such a shame pretending that I'm so happy when I'm really dying inside. 

But I believe, all humans are fucked up and it is all just a matter of hiding.

I closed my eyes and let the tears fall down as I jump and dance as if I'm the happiest person alive in this world.

f i n