Surf's Up?

It's Not Time

Ellis' POV

Time seemed to stand still. His words hung in the air. He knew. He knew what I was saying. Why did I even open my mouth? It all played out in my head. If this were a movie, we would be in prime position. My hand was still in the air. He had just brushed hair behind my ear, making my skin tingle. His eyes looked like he stole a bit of the ocean. His eyes would drift to my mouth. I would put my hand down, letting it rest on his leg. His hand would find the back of my neck, underneath my hair, and gently pull my face towards his. Lips graze mine and I'd taste something familiar, something I'd longed for and didn't know.

It would be perfect.

But life isn't a movie. I let my hand fall. His eyes seemed to reflect the disappointment I felt. I stood up slowly and turned towards my dresser. I pulled out a tshirt and shorts and started to walk towards the bathroom. Before I opened the door, he spoke. "Ellis... do you want to talk about it?" At first, I thought he was talking about the fact that I had just played out the scene of us kissing in detail in my head, but then I realized he was talking about Hill. I swallowed and shook my head. I went into the bathroom quickly. I pulled off my dress and stared at my reflection. I had always been confident in who I was, but something was different this time. I focused in on my flaws. I had a tiny white scar on the right side of my chin, my eyebrows weren't perfectly shaped, my hair was always messy... Were these the reasons? Was this why Hill felt like I wasn't enough? Because I wasn't perfect? Maybe.

I reached down to grab my shorts and slide them on. I slowly put my arms through the arm holes and put my head through the shirt. Before I could even pull it all the way on, I collapsed to the cold floor. I leaned against the bath tub and stared at my feet. My toes were too short. My legs weren't shaved. My shin had a scar from a reef. My breathing became shallow. I was the opposite of perfect. I couldn't stop them. The tears came against my will. I put my head back, closed my eyes and let them fall. I heard the door open, but I didn't open them. I felt him sit down next to me. I felt his hands on my skin, pulling my shirt down over my stomach, and gently pulling my hair out of it. Then he wrapped me up. And I felt safe. They came even faster now, slipping down my cheekbone and down my neck. I tried to steady my breathing. I clutched his shirt and felt him squeeze tighter. He rubbed my back. "I'm so so sorry Ellis," he whispered. "No one deserves to be mistreated like that." I surprised myself by shaking my head. My darkest thoughts escaped involuntarily. "It's my fault. I never wanted to give him what he wanted. I wasn't good enough." I heard him gasp. He pulled me back and held my shoulders. He was shaking with anger.

"Don't. Don't you dare Ellis. You know that's not true. Your values are more important than being with him, with anyone. Hill's an asshole, and he doesn't deserve half of who you are. He never did. Please don't say that this was your fault. That's messed up." He couldn't look at me. His voice dropped to a whisper, "If you think that this could've been your fault then I've failed as your friend. I've failed to remind you that you're good and kind and wouldn't do anything to intentionally hurt another person. I've failed to tell you that you're strong and independent in the ways you need to be. I failed. I could've pushed harder. I could've tried to keep telling you that he wasn't right. I failed. I'm so sorry Ellis."

I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding. I took his hand. His fingers intertwined in mine and our palms fit perfectly together.

"I missed you," I whispered. He gave me a small smile. "I missed you too." He stood up and grabbed my other hand to help pull me up. Holding the door open, he let me walk back into the room first. I walked slowly to the center of the room and bent down to pick up the rubbing alcohol. I stood up but didn't move. I could feel his warmth behind me. He took the cleaning things from me, and I heard them get set on the dresser behind him. Then I felt his breath. It was soft on my neck. It made my heart speed up. I turned slowly and only an inch stood between us. He was looking down at me with an intensity that made me think he could see right through me. His hands slid down my arms and found mine. My brain felt like liquid. He searched my eyes for some kind of an okay. I glanced at his lips. That was enough for him. He leaned down, taking his time. They were so close. So pink.

My phone rang. Loudly. I stepped away quickly. I felt lightheaded. Brian's expression was full of different emotions. I cleared my throat and grabbed it off of the bed.

"Hello?" I asked.

"El? I know you don't want to speak to me, but I just wanted you to know that I know what happened at the party, and I'm so sorry. I wanted to make sure you got home okay. I saw your car still in the driveway. How did you get home?"

"Brian took me. He's gone now." I glanced at him and his eyebrows were raised. I don't know why I lied. I heard Steele let out a breath.

"Okay well I'm glad you're home then. Bye." He hung up before I could answer.

Steele's POV

I turned the phone off and set it in the cupholder. I looked up and stared at his car. Brian's. Still in her driveway. Why did she lie to me? I had been planning to talk to her in person, but then I saw his car. I didn't think anything of it until she told me that he had left. Maybe there was a reasonable explanation.

Brian's POV

She told him I had left. Was that to protect me... or Steele?

We had been so close. I already felt guilty, like I had taken advantage of her being hurt and vulnerable. But I knew that she wanted it too. She wouldn't kiss me back just because she missed someone else. I saw it in her face. She looked at my lips, she had moved closer. Her skin was warm.

"I don't know why I said that." I was drawn back to reality. I looked at her, but she was looking at her phone.

"Me neither," I admitted. She sighed. "Should we talk about what would've happened if my phone hadn't..."

I shook my head quickly. "It was my fault. You're hurting. I don't know what got over me."

She looked up. "Does that mean...?"

"That I still have feelings for you?" I let that hang for a minute. "Yeah, I guess it does." A weight seemed to lift off of me. There it was ladies and gents. Finally out in the open. I gave a small laugh. "Wow that's been a long time coming. I didn't ever really get over my first love I guess."

"First love?" She whispered.

Oops.

"Brian, you told me it was a crush."

Double oops. I shrugged like it was nothing. "I don't really know what it was." I looked at her and was surprised to see her trying not to smile.

"You can't take all the blame for what would've happened. I have a feeling it would've happened eventually." Wait, what...? "I guess I'm kind of confused too," she finished. I couldn't speak. I simply looked at her. Her words seemed to sink in and she realized what she said. Her cheeks flushed and she put her head in her hands. 

"Ugh, I'm the worst. I'm so sorry Brian. I'm confusing everyone." 

I sat still. It would've happened anyway? She wanted to kiss me. She wanted to. But I knew it wasn't time. Not yet anyways. I stood up and looked at her, mustering up everything I had to walk away. 

"You're allowed to be confused Ellis. And I'll try not to make it harder on you. Let me know if you want to talk."

And with that, I walked out.