Not So Selfless Boy

Every time I encounter weird things today, I always ask God why? I mean why does he let me see things I don't want to see? I don't think that's fair for a regular boy like me. I mean all my life all I did was to study until I make my family proud. I guess he does things for a reason. And why would one incident be life changing for me? Listen to this 😏

I would like to come back to the days where I reminisce my first day of school, well it was a bit awkward cause my parents kind of let me stood by my own. Yes you heard it right, my first day of school was terrible. They let me enter a room full of random kids I don't know, random new faces I don't want to see. I guess you have an idea now of what kind of kid am I don't you? Well I'm kind of used to whatever people say to me.

Growing up, I kind of avoided people I'm not comfortable with. My teachers call it being antisocial, but I prefer to call it having less people to deal drama with.

There's this one time where I was reading silently in one corner of the library and then a strange girl suddenly approached me asking, "would you die for the person you love?". That question came out of nowhere. And yes, it annoys the hell out of me that I was reading diligently in one corner and all of a sudden this annoying girl asks me a very stupid question. So I ignored her. But she repeated the question and sat beside me. She kept on talking while I was reading. I was getting pissed. So I stood up and left the library. I did not feel guilty leaving her at all.

As I walk home, what kept on running on my mind was that strange girl. That's when I realized, wow that question is quite deep, really deep. I told myself, maybe I was just mentally challenged that's why I chose to ignore her. Well I don't really care.

SEE? THAT'S THE PROBLEM WITH ME I DON'T CARE ABOUT EVERYTHING. ALL THIS TIME ALL I CARE ABOUT WAS MYSELF.

Maybe that's the reason why I always avoid people. Why I hate to socialize with others. Because I am selfish. I don't realize why things happen that way. All day the question kept running on my mind.

Until the next day.

Just so you know, I always go to the library. But this time there was something different. I was so conscious with everyone around me. Unlike before, I don't care about who I am looking at and who I am sitting with.

Then suddenly I saw the strange girl again. She was reading in the next table. I can see that she was serious, very pensive. She has real beautiful eyes. I was mesmerized. I would like to go to her and apologize but I was too scared. I was afraid to say sorry and look stupid for not paying attention to her in the first place.

But I conquered my fear. My fear of not talking to people. My fear of not going out of my shell. I realized that my fears are my greatest enemy. That's what has been controlling me all this time. So I walked closer to her. But I thought I shouldn't tell her, so I wrote it in a piece of paper and said, "no I wouldn't die for someone I love because in the first place why would I waste the most precious gift God has given me? I'm not controlled by my heart, because I always use my mind first. Just because it seems like a noble thing to do, doesn't mean you should take yourself at risk. So my answer is no. I wouldn't die for someone I love."

I handed the letter to her. Then I came back to my table. Few moments later, she gave the paper back to me and told me, "that was a real selfish thinking mr." I was confused! The first time I ever pay attention to a girl and now she comes back at me with that response? Why am I like this??!

I was questioning God for how come he created me like this? Why am I such a dysfunction?

I was so curious about this girl so I stalked her everywhere. I thought, was I having an admiration for this strange girl?" But I told myself no. That is not possible. Cause all I am focused at is my studies and my studies only.

But as the day goes by, I am getting more and more attached. I told myself I don't like her but maybe I was just too coward to admit it.

I went to the library this afternoon and I saw her again. She was wearing a face mask. I don't know why. But maybe she's just sensitive to dirt or dust. She looked so beautiful from afar. And that moment I realized and admitted to myself that I like this girl. And it's not bad to like someone right?... I sat close next to her and I talked to her and we had a little conversation about books. We both love books yes. That is quite a feeling. It was very relieving. To finally talk to someone and have a real conversation.

The next morning, I went to school and after the class we just had snacks together. That was so nice. Now I am not questioning God at all. I know that he made this fate to make me happy and to be a better person. She taught me so many things that I don't have to stay inside my comfort zone. It's better to make friends with people and have fun. I have many friends now. And I learned that it's okay to encounter some dramas. It's part of life.

That moment I remembered my parents. My firsts day of school. When I thought they never wanted to come to my school and take care of me and bring snacks just like what other parents do. They let me stood by my own because they wanted me to be independent. To be strong. And as I grew up, I knew the importance and the essence of being alone. Cause sometimes being alone and being by yourself is a better way to be stronger and to be more ready for what challenges God will give you. But I'm not saying having friends is not a great thing. It's the greatest thing ever. All you have to learn isa that God gives you challenges for a reason. And for whatever challenges you might encounter, just be greatful and know that you are blessed.