Dear Scorpio

November 20, 2016

Dear Scorpio,

Hey, Coconut... I miss you. Seriously, please come back. I really miss you. Really really really missed you.

I know, I sound kinda weird and/or completely depressed without you, but the truth is, I am. It's not everyday you lose your best friend to suicide.

Luna and Juli tried to leave me too, but I couldn't let them. Not after what happened with you. I never really let anyone know about you because you're just... You. Besides, you made a point that you didn't want to exist to the world.

But now I really can't handle life without you at the moment, because it hurts. It hurts knowing that my 2 best friends are now dead without me and are probably still able to hang out in Hell.

I thought I was getting better, getting over your death. After all, it's been, what, almost 4-5 months since you've been gone? Not exactly the longest time we've been separated from each other and the squad but still.

I saw a guy walking down the street earlier with his dog. He looked like you. Dark brown hair, kinda tan, really tall. I broke down, Scorpio. He just looked like you from where I was standing. When I looked again he didn't look like you. My mind's probably playing tricks on me again.

Raven's upset. What kind of sister wouldn't be upset over her brother's suicide?

Okay, I know you're going to say me but drop it. If I can cry over my best friend's death I can probably cry over my own brothers' death. Don't you dare use Junior against me, he wasn't my real brother...

She thinks I'm using her as your replacement, but you know I can't do that. I can't. Nobody could ever replace you, not even if I met all the Scorpios in the world.

I would say that I cried over you the most, but I haven't. The top three people I've cried over are Hannah, Skye, and my own parents.

Hannah, because she left us earlier than any of us could've seen coming, even when she promised us she'd never do it.

Skye, because I lost the twin sister I would never know within seconds of birth and only learned about it when I was 9. I say that I don't care about her, but I do. I really do. Because I lost someone who might as well have been me. Who might as well as known you and been your best friend and cried over you and accompanied me when everyone was slipping away.

My parents, who never fail to mess with me. They never fail to force me to bottle up my emotions. I'm not like you, I don't show my emotions. Emotions are a weakness, they make you vulnerable. Which is why I refused to let them show. Have your parents ever just screamed at you and asked over and over again why you're such a disappointment to them? Why you can never for once just do something right? Why they couldn't ever just have a normal child who wanted to be happy and live? I'm guessing not, because you're parents loved you more than anything else.

But I did cry over you, because you were my best friend. The one who understood what it was like to want life to just end and be over with. You understood what it was like to be nonexistent to the world, yet you embraced it somehow. I always wondered how you did that.

I don't think I'll ever get over your death.

Death is a part of life. I say that all the time, I've accepted that fact. You used to get mad at me for saying it so much. But the thing is, I can't accept that fact. I can't. Because no matter how many people in my life slip away and leave me alone, I just can't accept it.

But then, maybe death is better for us all. After all, I bet you're happy where you are now. You always told me that you would be.

Remember when everyone in our little group went to Hannah's funeral? I didn't. I didn't because if I did, it would have meant that she was actually gone. That she had died and left us alone in this world without our Pisces.

I always planned on going to visit your grave sooner or later, but now I don't want to. I don't want to be the one to go to your grave, say goodbye, leave a few coconuts, and move on.

I don't want to move on. Well at least, move on without you. It's just that hard to move on for me, you know that.

I guess you knew me better than anyone else, even myself. But now that you're gone, I don't know myself at all.

My mother claims not to know me anymore. She's right though, because I'm gone. The Vyvyan she used to know us gone.

Vyvyan was someone who thoroughly enjoyed life and did whatever she wanted, who always had to be honest or else she'd feel bad, who always had to defend herself and say what she believed. She didn't care about anyone else. She didn't have to wear a mask each day to hide the dying person inside. She didn't have to draw on her skin with a pen and imagine it was a knife. She never regretted every single move she made. She never instantly hated every person she met. She didn't scribble in a notebook all the names of the people she wanted to kill, or all the ways to torture and slaughter, or draw psychotic things to try and bring the things inside to life.

But you never met that Vyvyan. You met her replacement, her phantom, you met a total stranger pretending to be Vyvyan.

That's what I hate the most about myself. How I have to pretend. But that old Vyvyan? She's as dead as you.

I Still Miss You,

Aquarius