Feeling my skin burn and sting as the blade cuts through it eases the depression that courses through me. I will never be able to be with my partner fully, never climax with him in the heat of the moment.
It's been months since the last time I cut, but this morning after trying for 2 hours to climax with the love of my life, I couldn't help but break down into tears of saddness, hate and self loathing.
Think that there is something very wrong with my body, he must have thought the same thing as he waited for me.
Though I know that when he tells me he doesn't mind, I can't help but thinking the opposite.
Having been rejected by previous boyfriends for the same reason. Maybe I'm to scarred from the past to think clearly. Maybe I'm one of the few women that will never be able to come during sex, and have an even harder time during masturbation.
And though my baby tells me that he loves me no matter what is wrong with my body, I have a hard time fully believing it.
What's wrong with me? I know I'm not normal, I had a shit introduction to sex and everything that goes with it. And I've had bad shit happen in that department during my teens. But none of that destroyed me as much as this morning.
But I used my best friend, he always eases the pain, let's it flow freely. True I only use him when I can't hold the demons back anymore. But my razor blades have always been there with me.
They let me vent in the only way I know how. To let the blood flow freely.
I watch in excitement as the blood escapes through the cuts in the skin. Welling up, like little bubbles before they grow to large and make crimson trails on my skin. Seeking an alternate path, as long as I watch it flow, I don't care.
A dozen times I clean the newly made wounds, making sure that they can seep and drip that Crimson tide over me, leaves me euphoric. Sometimes I wish that cutting could be orgasmic. Then I would have any problems.
In fact I'm gonna go cute some more right now. Maybe I'll write again tomorrow.
Until tomorrow,
♡♡♡ Shikabane_Hime ♡♡♡
