We Need Sadness

Its My Life

I wish I was never born, or that when I was born I can be the girl who gets thrown into a dark whole and never come back, or just die in my sleep, at least something peaceful to die in or at. I wanted to disappear, and disappear forever. I don't like hiding everything, I'm not a patient person, I need to tell it out, I need to share it. Trust me this is something you need to know.
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I have anxiety issues, not too bad but not too good either. I have anxiety at the moment now. Failing a class with a 54, and in order to graduate I need to pass all classes. Honestly I don't know how I am failing. My behavior grade is a 65 which is impossible because I sit in the front away from all my friends, I'm not close to the people I sit next to so there's no reason I'd talk to them.
I wouldn't have anxiety issues if my parents wouldn't pressure me like they do about good grades, and it's not like I'm blaming them, but, yes , I'm blaming them. I wish I had parents who'd balance school and kid life, it's hard to explain but I will. I want parents who won't pressure me about school or ask me about school everyday, they know I'm only a teen, why would I ever want to talk about school? Then it makes me feel guilty and depressed when they talk about good grades, when yet I'm failing. Sometimes I just feel dumb, way too dumb. They brag about school everyday, I just want to run away, I asked them what would they do if I did, they told me the worst response ever, 'just don't do it', if I sum it up. This makes me want to run away even badly but I'm just waiting for the right moment.
But, I hide all this in school, I act crazy and scream in class, and be funny because I don't want anyone to feel pain, or hurt, I want everyone happy, which is the opposite of what I feel. There's times I go overboard, where people think I should be put in the asylum, but that just annoys me so I don't get too crazy.
I have 3 friends, John, Riley, and Katheline.
We all hang out together, Katheline and me are best friends. We plan everything together even our high schools and thank god I went to her high school. I'm so dependent on her, if I haven't met her I think I won't be as crazy over the years, I don't even think I'll be surviving life. She just guides me since her mom guides her, my parents are always busy so, I would ask them last for anything. When I'm not near her I feel uneasy, I feel unimportant, useless, no worth. I feel she's apart of me when I'm around her.
But there is someone even more greater than her, someone I love and will always, I'll die for this person, do anything for this person. And he is my precious boyfriend, Lucas. Without him, I wasn't anything, my depression was horrible but controlled my Katheline being near me, but when I met him I wanted him and I now have him. I don't know what I'll do if he wasn't there. I'm just glad he is, he's a idol to me.
I'm an religious person, so anything stupid I'm shamed for, I can't make silly mistakes in life, but the religious people who surround me, make me feel like someone I'm not, I do believe in my religion and love it a lot but I feel fake when I'm around the religious people, they just change me, but they won't ever understand me, just like how my parents don't. But it's alright.
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It was a school day, I wasn't really feeling it but I did my best to stay me. I tried to make everyone laugh, I tried to work, I tried to be smart. But sometimes, 'trying' doesn't work and that's what happened today.
It started off with first period, Science, group project, with Violet and Katheline. We planned our materials we were bringing.
The same usual stuff, then ELA class, had an essay, to do. I tried to make 2 classmates happy but they weren't having it, name calling and 'I don't like you' is all I get, but I smile and keep it going, I'm a strong person and will not let someone make me cry.
It hurts to be called, 'idiot' or 'stupid' or when someone says 'I don't like you'. I may not show that it hurts but you should know it does, if you ever been called that.
It moved on to Math where I sat alone, get shushed and gets a bad grade for the day.
After was Gym. Where my day got better when we played Hula Hoops, it's funny how much my friends make me laugh I guess they knew I was sad? But no one does, I guess it was just there typical self.
After, I went to go see Lucas in after school, spent the whole time there and talked to him and shared my feelings, he and Katheline are the only ones I'll trust but I don't tell Katheline deep in my life, because I'm afraid for being judged by her, she wouldn't get it.
Lucas always listens to me, he doesn't care what comes out of my mouth he's the only one that I can do that to though and that's why I love him.